Lady Parts, Lesbians and Less Than Happy Teenagers.

I'm Ken

TW: Suicidal Ideations, Depressive Thoughts, Cursing, Mention of Sexual Assault/Rape/Creepy Guys.

If you get triggered, from existential thoughts and sadness, or sexual assualt I would not recommend reading this. 

Hello, my names Ken. I'm not going to waste time sharing my life story, my unbearable sadness and how I want to jump off of a bridge sometimes. Or how sometimes I feel like I'm sinking into my own thoughts and I can't escape. Or how I feel like I'm being smothered by my very own brain. The reason I'm not going to say these things, are because they're not important. At least, not to you. Not to anyone. Not even to me. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a sinking ship and no matter no how much I try to save it from going down, nothing works and it just keeps on sinking. Or when I try to escape the ship, some invisible force keeps pulling me back into it. Forcing me to go down with the ship. Forcing me to drown, even if I don't need to. 

I'm sorry. You barely know me and I basically dumped  my entire mental crisis on the page for you to fix. I rely too much on other people, I know this. I'm trying my best to fix it, but It's not like it's going to get better right away, just because I know somethings wrong. 

In the movies, they always have this big climax where the people are crying and screaming and realizing they have a problem. After this big realization, they just get better. Like, they just make a couple simple switches and all their problems are resolved. It has always confused me beyond words, because in real life, heres how it would go: They would have this big emotional breakdown and just cry and scream and feel like absolute shit, then instead of everything just getting better, they would pretend everything was okay, and keep repeating the same cycle of actions over and over again and keep getting worse and worse and have more and more breakdowns, and just sit stewing in pain. In real life, their is no big emotional break down that solves everything, so that life can go back to normal. In reality, life is a series of big emotional break downs, that lead to more and more sadness until you finally crack. And after that..well I don't know. It's everyones personal misery and journey towards death. I can't tell you how your life goes and vice versa. 

As you can probably tell by now, I'm fucking miserable and just sad all time. I feel like a failure most of time, and most of the time the pit in my stomach won't go away. But, that's not all their is to me, I suppose.

My best (only) friends Lynnie and Piper always say, I'm a good writer, but I don't know. I just write what I feel. If I feel like I shit, I write about feeling like shit. If I feel a rare spark of joy that day, then I write about feeling of finally seeing light after feeling you've been in a cave for ages. I like writing stories, too. They're about people in far away lands with problems nowhere close to mine. I write about people on amazing adventures or people starting their life on the run or people finally being free from the shackles that once held them. 

I live in a town filled with racist bigots. They yell slurs at me all day and I have to take side streets, to avoid getting assaulted. After school when we want go to get Milkshakes, we can't. Because Piper and I are always turned away by the racist shop owners. Lynnie is an amazing friend (or a decent human being), so she never goes in without us. But, Lynnies not exactly completely safe either. Lynnie is a Lesbian. 

And if you know how this town treats POC then you probably already know how they treat people in the LGBTQ+ community. Coming out in this town is really dangerous. Some people call it a death sentence. So, of course Lynnie is not screaming from the rooftops that she's gay, and neither am I. We are DEFINITELY not ashamed, we just can't share that information in full with our town, to avoid being hurt. Sometimes people don't want to share their sexuality, not because they're ashamed, but because if they do they could get seriously hurt. Don't pressure someone into coming out, it could be a deadly move. Outting someone can be one of the most dangerous things you can do.

 When Lynnie told me that she's queer It made my heart skip a beat. I've been in love with Lynnie since the Ninth grade and knowing that she likes girls, made me feel more joy then I'd felt in a really long time. I'll never tell her though. I may look like a goth anarchist ready to set the country on fire, but in reality I'm really shy. I'm trying to build up my confidence. But, it's hard when everyday you're constantly told that you aren't good enough, or you're bad or that you're less than, just for being you. I like all genders and use the term bisexual. Of course again, I could never tell anyone in our town that though, or I would get beaten to a pulp. 

However, all of us are pretty unsafe all the time, as women, no matter what. The guys in our town can be really scary. They will follow you around at school and make comments about your body. They will touch you in ways that make you feel more violated than ever before, and they act like they have never heard of consent. The women in our town travel in packs, to avoid getting hurt. Of course the police have done nothing, no matter how many times we come to them about how unsafe we feel. Most of the boys doing the harassment are the policemen's sons, and because the police are bias pigs, they refuse to do anything about it, because they don't want to tarnish their perfect family name. 

I can't wait to leave this shit town.