Broken hearts & Coup d'etats - THE SPECTER SERIES [book three]

Chapter ELEVEN

I definitely haven't been even close to experiencing a love like that again.. I won't allow it... I can't survive losing it a second time..

O'connor rubs the back of his neck guiltily and grumbles under his breath.. "Well, shit.. Maybe.."

West rises from his seat behind the desk, running a hand back through his hair with a sigh.. "Alright, alright.. O'connor, give us a minute.."

Patrick nods and strides past me to the door, placing a hand on my shoulder along with a brief nod as he bushes by..

His way of silently apologising..

I'll take it.

The door clicks shut and West motions to the seat opposite his.. It feels like a trap, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I sink into the chair and watch as he slowly lowers himself into his.. "I'm going to say something and you're going to listen.. You're not going to argue and then you are going to leave my office.. I don't want to have this conversation again.."

I nod and brace myself, I have no idea what kind of shit is headed my way, but West is not a guy I want to be on the bad side of..

He speaks low, keeping his gaze fixed on mine.. "When Dahlia died, I never blamed you.. Only myself.. If it weren't for me, she would never have enlisted, let alone been in that hell hole in the first place.."

I don't want to hear this.. I don't want to hear how it's not my fault because it is.. I think back to that night..

It was my second tour overseas, and it was Dahlia's first.. Our tight-knit unit was made up of the four of us, me, O'connor and Dahlia with West leading us in command.. Stationed on the Eastern banks of the Eupharties, it was supposed to be a straightforward extraction.. We go in, take out the hostiles, secure the assets and get out.. But the whole op went sideways when insurgents swarmed..

Mortars and gunfire rang out, explosions shaking the earth beneath my boots as West sent out the call to fall back..

Smoke and haze clouded the dark night sky, and the strobing flashes of bullets and bombs burst through the blackness..

Next thing I knew.. I was down..

Hit..

Two high calibre rounds, one in my shoulder, the other in my chest..

I can still feel the molten lead burning a hole straight through me every time I think about it..

West's voice pulls me from my thoughts.. "Dahlia, she tried to go back for you.. And I stopped her..thought I was making the right call, sending them ahead to the rally point.." He closes his eyes and huffs out a short breath, his expression pained as if he too is remembering that night..

"You should've left me there.." I tell him..

He sighs.. "It wouldn't have mattered.. Because she didn't listen to me anyway.. She never did when it came to you, Jackson.. But if I hadn't have wasted time arguing with her, then--" He shakes his head..

But there it is, that's exactly why I blame myself.. The burning ache in my scars intensifies.. "I don't see how this is--"

He holds up a hand to stop me..

"My point-- is there are a hundred ways to dissect what happened that night, Ford.. But the truth is.. You, me, O'connor.. We all wear the guilt of her death.. I believe that's the real reason for our.. Less than ideal treatment of Ellerie.."

I nod, willing to concede his point .. "I can agree with that.."

He leans back in his chair, his expression pensive while he nods thoughtfully, pausing as if calculating whether or not to continue... "I thought you might.. This next part however.." I narrow my eyes at him.. "You've been stuck, Ford.. Ever since getting out, you've been torturing yourself with her ghost.."

I shake my head and make a move to stand and end the conversation there.. But he presses on, despite my obvious discomfort.. "You gotta find a way to let her go, brother.. She wouldn't want to haunt you like this, she would want you to live.."

His words hit a little too hard.. I know she would hate to see the shell of a man that I have become.. But I don't know how to 'live' anymore..

There's a darkness inside me that corrodes everything good in my life, tainting my thoughts with doubts.. and it scares the shit out of me..

I don't really know how to respond to his brotherly lecture.. But, I know he's just looking out for me so I opt for a kinder reply.. "Yeah.. I, uh, appreciate you saying so, West.."

He coughs and gazes out the window, and I take a little pleasure in knowing he is as uncomfortable having this conversation as I am.. And I hesitate, unsure if there's more..

"Dismissed.." He grunts and I nod, turning and heading for the door, just as my hand grips the doorknob he throws out one last comment.. "I know I made a snap judgement about Ellerie.. I will fix it, Ford.. But for what it's worth, I do value her.. And, Dahlia would've liked her, too."