Before We Fall

2. Alone

Sabrina

You're not supposed to want to die. Society deems that unacceptable. In fact, up until the 1970's, majority of the western world criminalised the act of suicide.

Before you think I'm dramatic, I'm not talking about the 'omg i want to die' when you've failed a maths test, or the 'I want to die' when your ex broke up with you. Society deems that kind acceptable. I'm on about the kind which surrounds you in darkness, the kind that gives you comfort in a world where you don't fit in. In a world where you're forgotten and ignored, and most of all - alone.

The darkness was calling out to me as I lay on my bed that Monday afternoon, I let it surround me, like a safety blanket, my only source of comfort on these gloomy days. The days where my heart felt as heavy as my limbs, and my mind pleaded for me to end its tiring thoughts. I ignored its pleas, leaving them upon deaf ears, except those pleas slowly turned into shouts and then those shouts turned into ear piercing screams that became impossible to ignore.

Darkness had always comforted me. Even as a child, I was never afraid of the dark. The darkness concealed the reality of the world, it hid you from it's dangers, and hid the dangers from you. Darkness was a friend to me. I never understood why people feared the dark, why it made their heart pound and mind whirl with fear. Darkness soothed my inner turmoil, it relaxed me and made me feel safe.

Reality, on the other hand, that was dangerous. Humans are left vulnerable to attack and pain, to sadness and anger and there is nothing- absolutely nothing- we can do to protect ourselves. Reality can tear apart your life in seconds, and leave you trying to fix the broken pieces for the rest of your life. Not like you could ever fix a broken thing, once it was broke, it would never be the same again. Now that, is exactly why reality sucked.

Some days I wished darkness would take control and whisk me away from this world. Maybe then I would be happy, surrounded in the darkness that had always comforted me. However, I knew I couldn't let it overpower me, but on days like today, it felt so much easier to let go of control and let darkness win. Darkness was going to win eventually anyways, so why not let it win a little earlier, especially when it was going to take me from this cruel world. It seemed like a win-win situation to me.

I didn't exactly have a reason to die, but then again, I didn't have a reason to live, it' s not like I had a traumatic childhood, or suffer from financial burdens, or have to look after a dying relative. Hell, I didn't even need a job, I could spend my entire life not working a single minute and still not have to worry about putting food on the table.

I was lucky in that sense. In everyone's eyes, I was that spoiled rich girl, who got everything she wanted, nothing less but everything more. I knew I was lucky, I understood that I was the small percentage that got an easy life. That didn't mean I didn't have issues though. Everyone seems to think that when you're wealthy, all your problems disappear because money brings happiness right?

I wish.

The truth was, I didn't want to live. I hated the world and the world hated me. So why should I stay in a place where I wasn't wanted. I could confidently say right now, that if I died right this second, nobody would truly miss me. Not even my parents. Of course, people would 'mourn' me and grieve their loss but at the end of the day, they'd move on, the world would keep spinning and the sun would rise again. Nobody was dependent on me, I wasn't the first choice, or even the second, honestly if people had the choice, I wouldn't even be the last. Nobody really needed me - not truly. Nobody even wanted me. I wasn't important and I couldn't ever fathom the thought that I ever would be.