Already Gone

IDK You Yet

   It took thirty-two days for me to wean off the painkillers. Thirty-two days for me to get unhooked. Thirty-two days, just to be back at day one.

Day one of being clean.

"How does it feel?" Arizona asked me the morning of day one. She was making pancakes, creating a wonderful aroma that floated around the entire apartment.

   I shrugged, "I don't know."

   I did know though. I was proud and scared. Proud that I had made it, but scared because a single slip would bring me back to day one and I'd have to start all over.

I didn't want to start over.

"Well, I know that I'm very proud of you," Arizona told me and I knew she was telling the truth.

You could hear it in her voice.

   Arizona sat me down before sliding a plate of pancakes in front of me.

"Eat up, you have a big day ahead of you," She said and passed me a fork and the maple syrup.

   I raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"Callie and I called the principal of your new school and she said she wanted to meet with you today," Arizona explained as if it were nothing.

   I froze, and suddenly, my appetite disappeared. The pancakes that used to give off a wonderful smell were now repulsive and I wanted to puke.

"School?"

   I had never thought about it. I had never thought about going back to school once I was clean, though I should have because that was the reasonable thing to do. My life was going to go on, whether I was ready or not.

"Don't worry," Arizona must have noticed my anxious expression, "It's just a meeting. Just to get to know you better. You're not starting school until a while yet."

To get to know me better.

   Funny coming from her, who was still calling me Stella. That wasn't really her fault though, I still hadn't found the right moment to tell her that my name wasn't Stella. It got to the point where I had just decided to let her keep doing it. I didn't want to tell her the truth.

   Just in case I took off again, then I can sleep a little better, knowing that they never actually knew me.

Right?

   I no longer was looking forward to eating the pancakes but I didn't want to offend Arizona so I forced myself to cut the pancake into smaller pieces, shoving a few of those down my throat.

   My stomach was too tied up to eat any more than that though so I set my fork down and pushed the plate away before standing up.

"What's wrong?" Arizona asked, concerned, "You don't like pancakes?"

"No, no, the pancakes are great," I quickly said, "I'm just not hungry."

   Arizona nodded understandingly, "Okay, well, Callie will be home soon from her shift so you should probably start getting ready before she hogs the bathroom."

   I sensed the joke in Arizona's statement and forced a laugh before grabbing my crutches and hobbling back to the guest room.

   Even though I had been staying here for over a month, it just didn't seem right to call it home. It was like calling the guest room "my room".

It wasn't.

   Despite Arizona's suggestions about getting ready, I couldn't bring myself to it and ended up just sitting down on the bed, laying the crutches down beside me on the ground.