Already Gone

I'm Still Standing

   I let out a shaky breath as I buttoned up my clean, white blouse, careful not to wrinkle it in any way. I studied myself in the bathroom mirror while I did this, almost unable to recognize the girl staring back at me. 

   With plenty of sleep and lots of chicken noodle soup, as well as the fact that I was living with two doctors, I was feeling much better for today though the nerves at the bottom of my stomach flared up once in a while. 

   Despite all this though, I looked nothing like how I felt or who I truly was. Even though I didn't feel sick, I looked like I was and instead of my normal hoodie and sweats, I was wearing a freshly ironed blouse with baggy sleeves and a pair of black dress pants. 

"I look like I'm a waitress for some fancy restaurant," I said aloud even though nobody was around.

   I went to open the medicine cabinet to get my brush so that I could deal with my hair but froze when I remembered yesterday's incident. 

"They're not there," I reminded myself quietly, "They're gone."

   Even though I knew they were gone, my hand was still hesitant to pull open the medicine cabinet. It was as if my brain automatically correlated the action of opening the cabinet to relapsing though any common sense left in anyone could see that it wasn't true. 

I had to trust myself. 

   Easier said than done of course. How was I supposed to trust myself when I couldn't even predict what I would do next?

   Taking a deep breath, I pushed aside all those thoughts and forced myself to pull open the medicine cabinet door before I could start thinking again. My eyes landed on my brush and I took it out before quickly shutting the door with a thud.

There.

It was over.

   Humming softly to myself, I ran the brush through my hair, untangling any knots that had formed. When I felt satisfied, I set the brush down and stared intently at myself in the mirror. 

It would be over soon. 

"Summer?" Arizona's voice floated from the kitchen, "Are you almost ready?"

"I'm ready!" I called back and took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom, slowly trudging down the hall and to the kitchen area where Callie and Arizona were seated at the island. 

   They turned to look at me when I stopped and both of them smiled gently. I couldn't help but smile back, not realizing that I even had a smile in me on a day like this.

"You look nice," Callie nodded her approval and I walked over to the island, pulling myself onto one of the stools. 

   I shrugged, "I look like I'm a waitress for some high-end restaurant."

   Arizona chuckled, "You look sophisticated."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I made a face at Arizona's word choice. It wasn't that I didn't know what it meant, I just wasn't sure how that described me.

"You look good," Callie said softly, "You ready for today?"

   I knawed at my lip, "I don't think I will ever be ready for today."

"Fair enough," Callie rubbed my back gently, "I know it's hard but try not to stress over it too much. It'll be over before you know it."

"That's what I keep telling myself," I responded quietly and debated whether I should ask them what would happen if it was decided that I had to return to my mother. 

If. 

   I decided not to though, not sure if I truly wanted to know. Maybe it was better not to know some things.