Already Gone

So Cold

Cold.

I was used to cold. It wasn't like I had never felt cold before.

   Quite often in the winter, our heat would get shut off because I didn't have enough money to pay for them and it wasn't like my mother was going to do that.

   Stella and I would snuggle up on the couch with all the blankets wrapped around us, using each other's body heat to stay warm. However, you couldn't stay on the couch forever so whenever we got up, the cold would be worse because we had become accustomed to each other's warmth.

This cold was different.

   Not only did I not have anyone to snuggle with, but I was also cold on the inside. All of me was cold.

   The sun had set, leaving only the moon and the lights emitting from the buildings to shine. I had found a blind alley and had pushed myself in the corner, my leg with the good knee tucked against my chest while the other one laid out straight in front of me.

   I had placed my backpack on my lap and my crutches were lying next to me on the cold concrete. I had a sweater squished in my backpack earlier but now it was draped over me while I tried to conserve as much heat as possible.

   I was beyond tired, but I was too scared to sleep. Part of it was because I was worried someone would take advantage of me while I slept, steal my belongings. It was also because I was scared of what lurked in the abyss of unconsciousness.

All the scary things that I had no control over.

   My monster gave an angry growl and though I had done a good job shutting it out for a while, I was too tired to keep doing so. Hands numb from the cold, I unzipped my backpack and clumsily felt around inside for the tiny bottle.

   When I finally found it, I pulled it out and hastily unscrewed the lid before shaking a couple out onto my palm. I tossed my head back as I shoved the pills into my mouth, swallowing hard.

   Sighing, I twisted the lid back on and threw the bottle back into the backpack before zipping it back up.

I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. Not a single tear.

I was angry. I wanted to scream, but the scream wouldn't come out of my closed mouth.

I was cold, I was hurting, I was in pain, and I wanted to scream and cry and yell.

I wanted it all.

But I didn't do any of it.

Instead, I sat there, staring blankly ahead at the cars driving by.

~~~

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing that happened was me waking up.

   My hands moved around and I felt a rush of relief when I realized that all my belongings were still there.

   My stomach gave a low rumble and I rubbed it, biting my lip as I tried to ignore the knawing hunger.

I had no idea where I was.

   When my mother left, I had aimlessly walked around the streets until nightfall and had luckily found a blind alley for the night.

   This was my first time in Seattle, and though I had originally come here to run away from home, I now wanted to go back. Back to where it was warm, and back to where there was at least something in the fridge.

Mind you, I hadn't originally planned on getting on a tipping bus and breaking multiple bones.

I wondered if I still would have wanted to go home right now if I wasn't injured.

   Forcing myself to wipe my head clear of any and all thoughts, I struggled onto my feet before bending back down to grab my backpack and crutches before hobbling out of the blind alley and onto the sidewalk.

   It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the sunlight because it had been quite dark in the alley.

   My stomach gave another grumble, reminding me of how hungry I was but I forced myself not to think about it. I wasn't about to use my limited money on something I didn't really need.

   When my stomach protested against my decision, I decided to change my mind and try to find somewhere that sold food cheaply. I then realized that the flaw in my idea was that my only way to get around was by foot and I didn't have two working legs right now.

   I looked across the street and saw a coffee shop on the corner. Maybe the food there wasn't exactly cheap but I definitely had enough money to afford a meal and so I started hobbling over to the crosswalk.

   When I got to the coffee shop, I paused at the door, not walking in right away. I questioned if this is what I really wanted to do but when my stomach gave another angry growl, that was what pushed me to open the door and walk-in.

"Hi!" A red-cheeked woman who looked to be in her late teens greeted me, "What can I get you?"

   I stared up at the menu posted above her head, looking at what would make me spend the least amount of money.

"Uh...could I..." I swallowed hard, "Could I get a BLT and a bottle of water please?"

"One BLT and water coming right up," The woman said brightly.

She reminded me of Dr. Robbins.

   Moments later, she handed me my sandwich which was in a paper bag and a plastic bottle of water. I quickly thanked her before hurrying out of the coffee shop, letting out a sigh of relief.

I shouldn't be relieved.

This was something I should be used to.

   I used to always buy things by myself. I'd bought groceries all the time by myself and never did I have that pit of nervousness in my stomach.

Maybe it's because now, I'm actually alone.

The smell of the BLT was wandering into my nose and I longed to rip my teeth into it, but I didn't.

   Instead, I made my way over to the little park across from the coffee shop. It had a pathway that went from one side to the other and a tiny playground as well as a couple of benches.

   I made my way over to one of the benches and plopped down, letting my crutches lean against the bench, before pulling the BLT out of the paper bag. I knew I was hungry, and I was, but I realized that I was a lot hungrier than I thought I was when I chowed down the sandwich in less than two minutes.

   Once I had popped the last bit of the BLT into my mouth, I immediately regretted not using more self-control and rationing it because now I was back to square one. Now, the next time that I get hungry, I'm not going to have anything to eat.

   Cursing at my actions, I reluctantly opened the plastic water bottle, unsure if I could stop if I started drinking the water inside.

   I allowed myself five sips before I forced my hands to screw the lid back on and put the bottle in my backpack so that it remained out of my sight.

Now what?

Well, what did people usually do when they visited Seattle?

I didn't know, but I was pretty sure that their circumstances were a little bit different than mine.

But I could pretend.

Right?

   I could pretend that I was just visiting Seattle, maybe if I could use the deception of mind, it could actually work.

I could actually believe it.

Taking a deep breath, I took a crutch under each arm and pushed myself onto my feet.

Off we go then.