Already Gone

Always Remember Us This Way

Stella used to have these horrible nightmares. 

   I'm not sure exactly what caused them but they usually happened after my mother came home for one of her visits...so I could infer. 

   She'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night, crying so hard that I was scared she wouldn't be able to breathe. I'd turn on the lamp and instantly rush to her side, soothing her, telling her it was just a bad dream. 

   Sometimes she could fall back asleep by herself. Sometimes I'd have to read her to sleep or sing her to sleep. Sometimes she'd crawl back into my bed with me and fall asleep snuggled against my side. 

   Either way, she'd know that it was just a bad dream. That while it was scary, none of it was real. 

This was real.

   I wanted to cry until my eyes couldn't produce any more tears. I wanted to scream until my throat was raw. I wanted to, but it was as if all the air in my lungs had been sucked out with a straw and I was left empty. 

No tears.

No screaming.

   I stared numbly ahead, my ears not registering any of the sounds around me. From the corner of my eye, I could see my mother talking to my aunt. They didn't talk for long but they did embrace in a hug before my mother walked away with her lawyer. 

Her stupid, stupid lawyer. 

"It's over now Summer, it's okay," Callie whispered quietly beside me, "Let's go home."

   All of a sudden, the air came rushing back at those words. I wasn't going home. I wasn't going home with Callie and Arizona. To Callie and Arizona. 

"I'm not going home," I breathed out shakily as the tears started flowing, "You know that."

   I wasn't even crying out of sadness at this point. I was angry and frustrated. I was feeling such fury that it came out in tears.

   Everything was blurry from the tears glazing over my vision and my ears were buzzing from the anger I was experiencing. 

"Hold on one moment," I somehow managed to hear Arizona say, "We'll be right back."

   All I could manage was a nod and I watched as she and Callie got up and hurried over to my aunt. I wanted to know so badly what they were saying but my legs wouldn't move so I remained where I was. 

   I couldn't see either Callie or Arizona's expression since their back was turned to me but I could see my aunt's face.

My aunt.

The one I was going to live with. 

   It took everything in me not to burst into another round of tears right there and then. I didn't want to cry. Not in front of my aunt.

   Even though I could see her face, it didn't help me decipher what they were talking about. My aunt had an incredible poker face. She did nod though, seemingly agreeing with something and the tiny hope left in my soul flickered. 

Maybe she was agreeing that I could stay with Callie and Arizona. 

   The little flicker died though when Callie and Arizona turned around, their faces solemn, and headed back towards me.

It was really happening. 

"You ready?" Arizona asked me gently and I nodded, too tired to say anything.

   I got up and let Arizona and Callie squish me in between the two of them as we walked out of the courtroom and to the car. I stared at my feet the entire time, noticing how my pants were now wrinkled.