So Show Me...

We Can't

"Sooo about you, Kook and Jimin..." his voice trails off and he doesn't finish his sentence.

My eyes spring open and I sit up to look at his face. Ugh, why does he want to talk about this!

His mouth is tilted up but behind the masked smile he wears on his face, there is sadness.

My stomach shifts uneasily, and I notice that the hands that I am hugging myself with are pinching into my skin.

I release my hands but then I can't figure out what to do with them, so instead, they clasp and unclasp each other. Now only silence lingers in the air.

"It's okay Hun. I'm not judging you. Just how can I help?" He asks timidly. Reaching over and lacing his fingers with mine.

"I don't know how I let this get so far Tae. I'm ruining their friendship." I look down ashamed of what I've caused.

"How did this start?" He asks.

And I let it all out. I told him everything about how I met Jimin first, about me bailing on our date, how I came to an agreement with both the boys. I told him about the altercation I had with Kookie earlier. Tae just sat there silently letting me pour my heart out as I ranted. No judgment in his eyes.

"Their grown men Jelly, they knew what they were getting into." He pauses tapping his chin with his long index finger.

"But I do agree that you should figure out what or who you want." He says softly.

"Does it make me a horrible person that this is actually the last thing on my mind?" I ask fidgeting in my seat as I chew on my lower lip.

"I'm breaking up their friendship but, all I can think about is how the people who abused me know where I am." My voice cracks as fear sits on me, like a pillow over my mouth and nose.

The fear lets in enough air, allowing my body to keep functioning, but it's crippling all the same.

"You're not a horrible person Hun." He places his hands gently on the sides of my face.

We oddly stared at each other, as if it were a silent argument. I felt an urge to do something, to comfort myself.

In a moment I pressed my lips against his, felt his body stiffen for just a moment as I wrap my arms around his neck. He is only frozen for a moment before he is kissing me back.

The moment our lips touched; the world vanished instantly. My eyes fell closed, and all I could feel was him. His warmth, his touch, his being.

He drew back again and spent a moment studying my face. "Jelly... We can't do this" he whispers slowly.

My heart ached inside me at his words. Ugh, I'm a slut what am I doing?! I wait, wide-eyed, heart in my mouth as he stares down at me.

"You're not in the right headspace I.."

"Tae stop! I know what I'm doing... I want this." I reach out to him, but he moves away out of my reach.

"If we cross this line Jelly" He pauses, looking at me with a yearning expression, blowing out a deep breath. "It means more to me... YOU mean more to me"

I remembered Tae's many acts of thoughtfulness. How he always took care of me when I was sick or hungover. How he would stand outside work with an umbrella to come and pick me up if it was raining. How he always let me pick scary movies even though he hated them.

Memories of Tae and I snuggled on the couch watching movies, laughing at stupid jokes, or his silly tantrums at losing at games. Our late-night talks about things we want to do in life.

I can't start this with him. He doesn't deserve to be caught up in my mess. Does he mean more to me also? My stomach is filled with butterflies as I think about him.

"You're right... I'm sorry." I say hanging my head low.

Tae leans over raising my chin to look at him. "You don't have to be sorry. This won't change things between us. I'll still always be here for you." his eyes showed gentle concern.

He left his hand there and spoke with such a soft voice I felt his words calming me more by the way they were said than the actual words. How could I not consider my actions now, now that I could see how profoundly they affected him too.

"Let's go to bed Hun." He says as he stands from the couch and offers me his hand.

We make our way upstairs and into my room. I grab my clothes and head into the bathroom to shower.

When I step out of my bathroom he's already in his spot under the blankets with an arm thrown over his eyes asleep.

I turn off the lap and crawl in next to him quietly, keeping my distance still feeling awkward about him rejecting me earlier.

He rolls over in the bed and pulls me closer to his chest and I can feel his heartbeat slowly accelerate as mine skips a beat.

"Why are you so far away?" He sleepily asks with a small pout.

"Can we still snuggle? I can go downstairs if you want." He lets go of me and starts to sit up.

I grab his arm and pull him back down. "This is fine Tae please stay" I rest my head on his chest listening to the steady beat of his heart.

"Are you okay?" He asks as his hand strokes my head.

"Yeah" I mumble as I snuggle closer to Tae's warm body.

"Thank you," I say, barely more than a whisper.

"For what?" He replies, his voice low and husky.

"For being you." My tense nerves soon began to relax, my troubles, my pain began to melt away and the surroundings began to disappear leaving only me.

Me and Tae...

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Short chapter My Little Coconuts I was busy this week with Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a good holiday!

Regular updates should start again next week.

As always I Love You All!