Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams

Our Deepest Desires

Lying down in their bed that same night, Alison held her breath. Her inhales remained trapped in her lungs as she felt her wife fit herself into her every curve. Emily sighed, curling her arms around Alison, allowing the events of the night to wash over them. But Alison remained still, despite feeling secure in her arms. She refused to breathe, imagining that if she never did again, she could stay frozen in this moment forever. Maybe if they could just stay. Right here. In this moment. She would feel safe and protected and loved for the rest of her life.

"Two weeks." Alison exhaled into the darkness.

"What was that?" Emily asked, pulling herself closer into Alison's back as she laced their hands together underneath Alison's chest.

"Two weeks until we have to make a decision..."

Emily mumbled contentedly into her ear, "It's actually less than that, Al. Everything has to be filed within two weeks. If we're not going through with it, we have to have all of the new paperwork filed and accepted by then."

Alison's anxiety continued to build, "Really? Why didn't anyone specify that?" As her panic continued, Emily began to feel Alison's breathing patterns increase while wrapped around her body.

Propping herself up on her elbow, Emily looked down at her wife, "Well, sweetheart, not many people going through what we are consider reversing the process. I doubt that Dominic thought to include that information. But it's okay; if I remember right, it's just a few pieces of paper."

Alison turned over onto her back, keeping her eyes closed out of fear, "Okay, but what if I'm not ready in time."

She reached over to their nightstand to bring light into their pitch black room before the brunette then leaned down to place a delicate kiss on each of her wife's eyelids as she brushed the sides of her face with her thumb, "Then, we go back into deliberations. We continue paying our lawyers and mediators. We can figure this out at whatever pace you need." Emily could feel that this night alone together had sent Alison into a spiral. It made her come to terms with the reality that they were facing. They weren't just playing house. They were attempting to rebuild a home. "Tell me your fears, babe. What haven't we gotten to yet?"

"I don't know how to forget."

"Alison, we got into this mess because that's what I was trying to do. The goal is not to forget. The goal is to remember every damn second that we were apart and remember how much better if feels when you're by my side. The goal is to provide the best life we can for our daughter. The goal is to become better parents, better wives, a better support system, and better people than we could be separate from one another. Please don't forget. Don't forget a moment of it because without it, we wouldn't be here. We are so eternally lucky to be right here right now, Ali."

"And Liam?" Alison groaned while sitting up.

"What about him, sweetheart?" Leaning forward so that their foreheads were barely touching, with hands intertwined, Emily closed her eyes desperately, feeling the anguish seeping from her wife's pores, "What do you need?"

"He should be here too, Emmy." Her voice cracked, mourning equally side by side for the first time. "How are we the lucky ones when our son isn't by our side?"

Alison's head fell as she burst into sobs. The first wail that escaped her lips caused Emily to recoil in pain. She felt her wife's distress viscerally. She heard the torture in her sobs. She saw the depths of her grief. Tears of her own escaped in empathy knowing that their son's honor had been left behind in the wreckage of their past. They stayed in that cocoon for over 10 minutes as the two women cried in each other's arms. There would forever be a lingering emptiness in their home and without its acknowledgement, the vacancy would continue to intrude in their thoughts and actions for years to come.