Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams

Lucid Dreaming

"What the fuck have I done?"

Emily pounded her fist against the fireplace gently as she considered every potential misstep she had made over the past 3 weeks. She opened the fist still flush against the wall staring at her new engagement ring, which at this moment made Emily sick to her stomach. Beyond the previous few weeks, Emily questioned when exactly she made the first wrong move.

It couldn't have been the separation. They both had agreed to the separation. Hadn't they?

---

November 2017

Emily and Pam drug themselves out of Pam's hatchback only nine weeks after Olivia's birth. The first official freeze of the winter had hit a few days before, which seemed to make the drive up to the prison feel astronomically longer than the week before. After getting Livvy out of her car seat, Emily quickly passed her off her grandma. Not because Emily didn't have the desire to hold her daughter, but because her mind was preoccupied with more significant concerns. On conversations Emily had been ruminating on since the day after her last visit. None of the visits since their daughter's birth had been bad, per se, but Emily could sense the mounting tension between them. At Alison's inability to hold Olivia. At their inability to kiss or even hold hands. At the thought of Emily's next 327 weekends revolving around making Alison's visit a priority.

Sitting in the visiting area, Emily held Olivia against her chest, attempting to ward off her continued colic. She pedaled her legs back and forth, willing the medication given before they left the house to keep working throughout the next hour for their visit. Emily smiled at the staff member that called her by name to the back of the visitors' section for communication. She passed Olivia back off to Pam before placing a kiss on her daughter's cheek, whispering 'I love you,' and walking through the screening area to be body searched.

No more than 10 minutes later was Emily sitting in front of her wife, who appeared to have either just woken up or not slept at all.

"Hey there," Alison spoke as soon as Emily placed the phone up to her ear.

"Hi. I missed you, Al."

"You have no idea, babe. Is Liv here today?"

Emily looked behind her, "Yeah. She's out with mom in the waiting area today. I brought photos, but I kind of wanted our conversation today to be just about us."

"I understand, Emmy. It's good to see you. I will take what I can get." Alison placed her thumb on the glass between them while she rubbed back and forth, hoping that the care and comfort would seep through the over 3 inches of glass separating them. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Ali. More than you know..." They both exhaled simultaneously, "What's been going on? You don't look very good." Emily asked.

"Ouch." Alison held a hand against her heart as if personally affected. She smiled sweetly though back at her wife, "No, you're right. I'm not doing very good right now. All of this is just a lot to take on. I have 23 hours a day to dwell on the lives I effected that reserved me a place in this prison. And every week that I see you, I can tell that you are struggling as a single mother, too, and I worry that there's no way for me to be enough for you. It's my constant worry."

Emily kept her eyes looking toward her lap, "This is really hard, Ali. For both of us. It hurts so fucking badly to see you looking so internally lost. The main reason I left Liv in the front is I wanted to talk about something with you, and I don't want you to be mad or upset at all. I think it will end up being better for both of us. But I think we should consider – "