mantra || h.s

:: 42 ::

Gorgeous song on the side...thought it went really well with the chapter...Benediction by Luke Sital-Singh

dedicated to my main lady and lover: @maanonsen

☯

H.

“Love, I’m glad you’re here, don’t get me wrong, but I thought for sure you’d want to vedge for a bit by yourself…” I shrugged and gave my mum a kiss on the cheek.

“Can’t be in that house right now…just don’t want to be alone, really.” She put down the dish rag and frowned at me.

“She’s back in London, yeah?”

“Mhm.” She handed me a plate of food and and I started eating.

“Harry…” It took me a second to look up, but when I saw her face and the sadness it held because of me…I couldn’t help but tear up.

“I told her I hated her, mum…I don’t—I don’t hate her…” She came around the island and wrapped her arms around me. 

“Oh, Harry, darling…”

“I promised her I’d never leave…Swore, over and over again…told her I’d never leave…told her I’d…I’d keep her sa—safe…told her I’d marry her…oh god, mum—oh god…”

“Harry, Harry…hush, love, hush…my sweet boy. It’ll all be alright…”

“No…no it won’t…how can I expect—she’ll…she’s broken, mum…I broke her—oh god, I broke her…it’s all my—my fault…”

“Harry, sweetheart, please…” I sat there in my mum’s arms, a twenty-one year old weeping in his mum’s arms. “You have to make things right…”

“Should’ve seen her…skinny…so skinny…she looks—looks sick, mum. She looks like she hasn’t—hasn’t eaten in—in years…” I couldn’t catch a decent breath, instead, I started hyperventilating.

“Harry, please…”

“Me—it was all—all me…I broke her. I broke her, my girl, my sweet girl…what if…what if she’s go—gone, mum? What if she’s gone? What if I lost—lost her? How will…how will I live with myself…”

“For heaven’s sake, Harry Edward Styles! Stop it. Stop it right now!” She pulled away and got a death grip on my shoulders. “You need to get a hold of yourself, do you understand me? That girl…that beautiful girl isn’t going to want anything to do with you if you cannot get a hold of yourself. You need to be strong, Harry, darling—”

“But she probably thinks I still hate her! Mum, I need her to know how much I love her…how I never stopped loving her, she has to—she needs to know that…I need her to know that…”

“And she will! But you need to get a grip. Stand up, quit the sulking and be a man, a man worthy of her. Fight for her, Harry. Go and fight for her, but I won’t have you sitting her blubbering like a little boy who’s gotten his toys taken away. You have to fight for the woman that you love. Show her that she is still the only one who matters…but for the love of god, stop this…this crying and moping and drinking…that won’t get you anywhere, and quite frankly, it’s pitiful. I know I raised you better than that.” Anne Cox was tougher on me than I had anticipated. But she was right. I wiped my nose and she helped wipe the tears from my eyes before kissing my head. “I love you very much, my baby boy…and I am so proud of you. You know I am.” I nodded, taking another bite of the Shepherd’s Pie. “Everything will be alright, but you have to make it that way. Sitting here and crying…no one can fix this but you.” She ran her fingers through my greasy hair, that was much too long. “You need a shower and you need to cut this hair…” The look of motherly disgust was amusing but I shook my head.