Timeless

Ben's Journal - A Timeless Side Piece

October 1st, 2002:

This is the first entry in my new journal. (Y/N) got it for me for our birthday today.

Today was an interesting day. Personally, I didn't like how it started off. Sure, going on our first mission was kind of exciting because we were finally able to prove what we had been training for all these years, but it was uncomfortable to use my powers. Everyone else seemed so much more comfortable with their powers and fighting off the robbers at the bank. Even (Y/N) was able to fight and subdue them like it was nothing. And she had only been practicing with us for about 8 months! She blew off a man's head with no hesitation to protect Five. Would I ever be able to do that? I could barely fight the guys in the vault without feeling uneasy about it. Luther had to force me into doing it. I hate every minute though. There was so much blood. At least (Y/N) was there to cheer me up since she ended covered in blood as well from protecting Five. She's really sweet. 

I just want to do well like my siblings and prove myself to Dad but I'm just not comfortable with the darkness inside me. Literally inside me. I was given the name of The Horror by my father. How can I ever be comfortable with what I was given when I'm constantly reminded about the monstrosity I am. I wish I could live a normal childhood. I always wondered what a normal childhood would be like but today was nice because I got a glimpse of it. 

Today was actually the first birthday that felt like a birthday to me. Instead of Dad just congratulating us on being alive another year we actually had reason to celebrate. We had presents and cake and actually celebrated something for once. My siblings actually felt like siblings for once and the academy felt like home. There was a warmth in it because of (Y/N) being here. She helped us become a family (excluding our Dad, but still).

I hope we have more days like this. Days that feel warm and the academy feels like home.

October 26th, 2002:

Thank god I have this journal because I don't where else I could put this. I'm tired of holding it in. I think I have a crush on (Y/N).

No, I don't think I do. I know I do. 

Can I really be blamed though? Sure, she's the first girl I've ever met from outside the family so that might be a factor but...she's so much more than that. She's so pretty and intelligent, I could listen to or speak with her on any topic forever and never grow tired of it. I don't know about my siblings and me but I bet she could get a full-ride to an amazing university one day like Berkley. More importantly, she really cares about all of us in the Academy. She cares about me. She takes the time to be with me and just listen. She's listened for hours about all the feelings I struggle with in terms of being a part of the Academy and my powers and she gets it. She's not just the first girl I've met outside of the Academy, she's the best girl I could've met, she has powers that she struggles with too. She gets it. 

It's been difficult keeping this to myself though. I've wanted to tell someone about it but who? All I know is my siblings, Dad, Mom, Pogo, and (Y/N). Obviously, I'm not going to tell (Y/N). That would be insane. I can't tell my Dad because there's a chance he'd ban her from coming over because she would be a distraction. Then again, he sees her as an asset in our training so maybe not, but knowing that god awful man I wouldn't put it past him. I can't tell Mom and Pogo because as much as I trust them they bend to Dad's will and then we'd be back to square one. And I definitely can't tell any of my siblings about it because word would spread fast. Klaus and Allison are such gossips with each other that they'd blab before the day was done. Luther and Diego would probably tease me if they found out. And Vanya, well I don't really see her enough to talk about it. 

Honestly, the main reason I'm keeping it a secret is because if Five found out I had feelings for her too he would kill me before I could even see it coming. I don't know that for sure, but I could definitely see it happening. (Y/N) is his best friend and he is so obviously in love with her. I mean he admitted it himself after it was coaxed out of him. He would do anything for her and wouldn't let anything come between the two of them. If something did well then I can only guess that he'd do everything he could to make it right, not for himself, but for her. It's selfish of me to think so but sometimes I wish he would just disappear. Maybe if he was out of the picture and it was just her and I things could be different.