Revival

Part 6

"What are doing here? You got some nerve showing up again.."

"I just need to talk to you."

"There's nothing to be said. Even if there was, you lost the right 2 years ago. You can leave now."

"There was a lot i wanted to say to you. I just..."

"your silence said more than enough"

"I wanted to come and see you, to tell you how sorry i am for all the hell i've put you through."

"You give yourself too much credit."

He smiled.. That damn smile.. "I missed your snarkiness.... i missed you."

"Stop it Changkyun..."

"I did. I missed you more than i've ever missed anything before."

I'm just looking at him.. i know i must look ice cold to him but.. i'm breaking inside.. i hate that he still have effect on me.. i took a deep breath.. i don't know how i should feel or react. I wanted to hear that so badly, but.. it's too late now.

"Will you please just hear me out? i know i don't Deserve it...."

"You're damn right about that."

"..I know if i don't, i'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life."

"As you should."

He smiled and looked down at floor then back at me.. "so.. can i come in please? You don't have to say anything, just listen."

Don't give in don't give in, close the door now "UGH!.. fine.." must be that smile goddamn it.. I open the door wider for him to come in. "Five minutes counting now."

He walked in slowly, as if he was unsure what to do or say, his mind is everywhere and i can tell that he's nervous. He sat down gathering his thoughts. and i sat on the opposite couch. I can see my friends peeking their heads from my bedroom.. my gosh.. i tried to keep straight face.. thank god his back was toward them..

"I know that what i'm about to say isn't an excuse for what i did but.. i'm gonna say it anyway because i owe it to you. when you first came into my life and we started seeing each other, i wasn't really planning to fall for you, i'm not a one-girl type of guy, i don't get feelings by choice. But that night i saw you in Jooheon studio.. i didn't know what's gotten into me, i couldn't bear the thought of you with someone else, and i hated it.. i hated that i was changing.. i hated that you became my first thought in the morning.. I hated that while working and doing the only thing i love, i was thinking when can i run home to you. not being able to see and touch you while i was away drove me insane, it scared me. i've never felt this way before. i thought i was going crazy "

"Thats a lot of hate."

"It is! such a dark life i was living right?" giving me a little smile.. he's trying not to cry.. i don't think i've ever seen Changkyun cry... "I didn't see the light that was in front of me like the idiot i am.... the fact that i was careless with your feelings and i could see how bad it hurt you, made me feel like shit. I hated that every moment i say or do something that hurts you, i think to myself that i didn't deserve to be with you because you deserve someone better, can you believe it, me Changkyun, thinking there's someone better than me!.. but that night when you told me.. how you felt i... i panicked.. i knew i needed to let you go your own way, and i knew you wouldn't let go just like that, you'd find a way to fix us, like you always do.. god i was so stupid.. the only thing i could think of to hurt you to the point where you wouldn't look back was Ji....."

"Don't say her name!" I didn't realize i was tearing up until i felt a tear going down my cheek.. i wiped it off with my hand.. "You were never mine anyway. Not really"

He sighed "..I hate that it took me losing you to realize how madly in love i was with you.. When i saw you last night, laughing and smiling with your friends.. reminding me of what i lost.. we didn't need words to speak, we just looked at each other and smiled.. it kills me now that i'm not the reason behind that smile anymore."

"..you had it all. you had it all and you dumbed it in the first trash like it was nothing"

"I know.. I fucked up Jordy.."

"You could've had a chance you know.. in the two years you didn't reach out to beg for my forgiveness.. i was half out of my mind with love that i would've giving it to you." wiping more tears.

"I was a coward. And i'm sorry, for everything, for treating you like property when you deserve so much more. I'm sorry for lying about my feelings when i knew exactly how i felt about you. I'm sorry for... well, being a dick. If i didn't fucked up that night..."

"Maybe everything would be different... but its not."

"...even if you never look my way again, i'll never love anyone else the way i love you."

I didn't expect the thing that i was desperately wanting to hear would hurt this much.. it too late now.. everything is different now.. even me.. when i look back at what we were it pains me.. but what's the point of looking back now. Two years ago i may have chosen him.. but i'm choosing myself this time.

"Well, I don't love you anymore.. but thank you, for giving me that closure i was waiting for. Took long enough."

When we reached the door, before he left i asked what i was curious about ever since he told me..

"Wait.. the first night we met, at my birthday.. the blue peonies, you said it means something.."

"It wasn't our first time meeting each other you know.."

"What do you mean?"

"I met you a while back before your birthday, we talked for a bit and i think i asked you if i can see you again, but you said "If you're lucky" and left without looking back. So when i saw you at a party talking with Jooheony i thought that maybe i was really lucky.. what are the odds.. then i asked him to bring me with him to your birthday, but i was disappointed when you didn't remember me. Blue peonies represent luck. I thought i was being smart." He grinned at me.

"But not smart enough." I grinned back.

"You're right, a smart man wouldn't make my mistake. A smart man would've known better. Goodbye Jordy, i really was lucky that i met you. and i wish you a very lucky and happy life. The happiest."

He smiled at me one last time before turning his back to me.. I can tell that he was holding his tears back, I watch him walk away, i know he's crying now and i'm crying too.. and as i close the door, it hit me.. i'm not just closing the door of my apartment but also the door of the last chapter in our story.. i felt it all at once. Sadness and hurt but also thankful.. I can't stop crying.. the scar on my heart never healed like i thought it did.. all these flowers that were dead inside of me started to revive again...

Oh my god.. i still love him...

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The End.