Revival

Part4

I was almost ready, putting last touches on my hair in front of the mirror. when i noticed Changkyun leaning back against the door frame of my room. I haven't seen him in a while. He was practically living in the studio. Sometimes i feel like he prefer that studio over me.

"You look beautiful as always." he got closer to hug me from behind, planting a kiss on my neck. "I like your hair like this." another kiss.. stomach butterflies..

I looked at him in the mirror and smiled. Then turned to him and gave him a peck.

He chuckled. "you know thats not it." he held the back of my neck with one hand and kissed me deeper, his other hand traveled down my back until it landed on my ass.

"ok you're gonna ruin my lipstick! cut it out."

"do you think i care?" grinning and kissing me again.

I look at him, flowers blooming inside of me, i have him, but not all of him. Just a half of everything, and it's making it hard for me to tell which the lie is and which the truth, what's real and what's not. I've had enough of this, like he's mine but not really. Now that I know how i feel about him, i don't know what he's thinking. We've been there for each other, gone through a lot, and we always find our way back together. It's funny right? not knowing what your boyfriend feels about you.. but it's been almost a whole year.. if we are not in love then what are we doing?.... I want all of him.

I didn't embrace myself enough for the words that left my mouth next..

"I love you, Changkyun..." It's out. I can't take it back now.

I looked at him. I didn't want to wait for his answer but i am..

He was silent for a moment.. I think i made a mistake.. then he smiled and said "I should get back down before they notice i'm missing."

It felt like an iced water was thrown at me, my smile is gone. I looked somewhere else. "Okay."

When he left, i sat down on the chair for a moment.. processing.. I really didn't want to believe what my head been telling me all along, but my heart was more convincing.. No i don't wanna think about it. I need to leave the room. I got down and went to sit next to my friends, but my mind was somewhere else. The conversation kept replying in my head.. my face was hot now. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to cry. Why am I so stupid...

"I'm going to check if the food is here" I whispered to Mark who was sitting next to me.

"Okay. Call for me if you need help."

"Sure.

I tried to walk as fast as I can without looking like an idiot. I entered the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I looked at myself in the mirror.. Get over it Jordy. So what if he doesn't feel the same way it's not the end of the world. You're not heartbroken, you're humiliated. You were falling in love with someone who doesn't have any feelings for you. And that's okay. Would i rather continue living this lie of us head over heals in love with each other? yes..... and no. It's been eating me inside out. I wiped a tear that fell down my cheek with my hand. Even if you thought he did, even if you hoped he'd say it back, now you know.

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It's been over a week since that party. We haven't talked since. What do I even say, I wish I could find a hole and just bury myself in it. Although my ego was crushed, i tried not to think about it and busy myself with work. I'm already lost at what to do, i don't know what to do with all these emotions.. i'm not good with.. feelings. I kept checking my phone, I see him posting stories every now and then, which means he's on his phone.. he could've text or call anytime if he wanted to, but still chose not to. That hurt a little.

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At a mutual friend party, we were in an empty room to get some privacy. I can hear the music outside, and i'm here looking at him. He was sitting silently, holding his hands in front of him. I can tell he's thinking, it's making me anxious.

"What is it Changkyun?"

When he looked me in the eyes, my heart fluttered.. my head is going through every possibility of what he's thinking? I searched his eyes but that only made my heart feel hopeless. The air is thick around us. I'm hurt and its not even about my pride anymore. I feel like crying but I don't know why. No word left his mouth... Who does he think he is?...

"You've been MIA for a whole week, and now when i finally see you, you still giving me fucking silence.. you love to watch me suffer..."

"Jordy...."

My voice started raising, I was angry now "is this because of what i said.. that word... "

"Jord.."

"So what?? who cares if....."

"I DON'T!" His voice is raising too.. then almost whispering he said: "I don't love you, Jordyn."

There was silence. Something was breaking.. my heart perhaps.. I want to scream. Deep down i knew it, but there was this little flicker of hope that made me think that maybe what kept him from saying it back was fear... but to hear him saying it out loud.. That flicker is dead,. I turned away to look at something else.. anything else..

"Can we please go home I don't want to be here any mo...."

"I slept with Jia." I turned to him. He's looking at the floor now, and I'm looking at him. I want to fucking slap him, but it feel like he's the one who just slapped me..

He can't be serious... "Are you fucking kidding me??..."

He tried to speak but i cut him off "NO!.. no..." this is too much for my head, and my heart.. I let out a shaky laugh, not her he wouldn't "i know you, you're just trying to fuck with me. You're fucking with me, right?..."

I held his face to try and look at him, really look at him.. I don't want to cry. Everything we've been through together, every moment, every promise, every kiss, every feeling i know he felt.... No.. he's lying.. this has to be another one of his games.. but i can't find him anymore.. I don't know who I'm looking at. My hands slowly retreating to my sides, disappointed. I turned my back to him.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

I want the earth to swallow me right now.. this can't be happening.. my eyes started tearing up. "FUCK. YOU."

I could live with "i don't love you" you can't control how you feel, but this.. this was a choice, he decided that i was worthless enough to go behind my back with the last person i told him not to. He knew it. He didn't just break my heart, he took it out and stepped on it like it was nothing.

He tried to hold my arm but I pushed him out of my way and screamed disgusted "DON'T TOUCH ME!.... you're dead to me." and got out of the room.

There it goes, my heart, my dreams, and what's left of my pride.. everything i believed, crushing to little pieces. It doesn't help that deep down i saw this coming, and i refused to believe it. I blame no one but me. I put my faith where it doesn't belong. It's like when you ignore all the signs and you end up crashing into the first tree. You know you should've hit the breaks, but you thought it was too far anyway. Before you know it, you're a wreck.

We can't choose who we fall in love with. but we can choose when to walk away.

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