Nothing is Forever

Chapter 16

I flew through the woods at a terrifying speed, trying to escape the confusion that swirled in my head. I wept, and the salty tears clouded my vision. I could barely see the limbs of trees as I dodged past them. Finally, I tripped and landed on the hard ground beneath the trees, tearing my dress. I held my head in my hands, whimpering to myself. I could not discern the confusion in my head.

Everything came back to me in these moments under the trees. I remembered the Orcs and the ambush in Imladris, I remembered the heartache that overwhelmed me and nearly drove me mad on the trip to Mirkwood. I remembered awakening to the onslaught of dozens of Orcs, they had come upon us in our sleep. I remembered the blunt object descending on my head, and finally, awakening to those eyes.

I remembered those eyes now. I remembered them as they begged for me in childhood, but that I didn’t know what it meant. I remembered how sometimes just looking in them made me fight not to weep. I remembered how when I did, he would accept, and not question, the stories I told him about other elves, those I claimed had broken my heart. I remembered that the only thing that ever broke my heart was deceiving him.

The days since my accident with the Orcs exploded in my mind, the kindness and love and compassion, lust, desire, pleasure, and bliss that I felt with Legolas engulfed me. Did I love him? Had I always?

Then what about Elladan? What did I feel for him? I remembered the first day he arrived. I sneaked around, catching glimpses of him where I could, until he caught me peeking through the trees at him. In those days, my heart throbbed for him; I lived only for him. Up until the day with the Orcs, the only heart I had belonged to him.

Legolas changed that. Or had he? Did my fling with Legolas mean anything? Did it mean that I was meant to be with another? Was this a sign from Valar?

I felt like my heart would explode, the emotions flooded through me like the River Anduin after winter thaw. I could see Elladan’s broken heart in my mind’s eye. I ran from him. I looked at Legolas. I arrived with Legolas. I was touching Legolas like those a long time in love would touch. He could see in my eyes that I cared for this new elf deeply and painfully. He did not know. He did not know of my memory loss. But did that make it okay?

Legolas’ pain intertwined within this heartache. He could tell that he was not ready to know that I belonged to another, and to find out so abruptly, though he didn’t even really find out. He made assumptions, he still felt hope somewhere inside that it was something else. He hoped that something else drove me from Elladan, but he also doubted it was anything but what he suspected.

Fear. Love. Pain. Lust. Anger. Doubt. Hope. Desire. Longing.

There was suddenly a loud noise that startled me, a scream that pierced the quiet air. It took me a moment to realize it was me. All the air flew from my body in this gut wrenching sound, and suddenly, I could not breathe, my breath was gone.

I collapsed.

*****

‘What did you do to her? She has been sick and injured, and she could barely walk on her own days ago! No one notified me! No one told me! You’ve done something to her! She loved me! She would never have done anything!’ Elladan’s thoughts were angry and accusing, but he did not voice these concerns. He simply stood beside the bed of his loved one knowing she was in pain, not knowing why.

Legolas talked quietly to the healer and he examined her with the two elven princes keeping a close watch. Legolas did not look at Elladan, which gave the elf from Rivendell a suspicious inclination toward the Mirkwood elf. After a few moments, the healer told them that she should be fine after rest and that he did not know what brought upon the panic attack, but that she would need rest before he could discern between the various symptoms.

The elves left the room and stood outside her bedchambers wordlessly. Finally, Legolas turned to him.

“She was yours in Rivendell, wasn’t she?” Elladan met his eyes. He nodded. Legolas continued. “This will be bad.”

Elladan could barely keep the anger from his voice. “You are right if you’re assuming that there will be payment made for taking from me the one I love.”

Legolas shook his head. “I did not take her. She did not know. Neither of us knew.”

Elladan felt his anger boil up, uncertain as to how long he could keep it under control.

“What do you mean ‘did not know’? Our love could cross oceans, die a thousand deaths, and endure.”

Legolas snapped at this outburst, “There was an attack! She was struck on the head. For days we could not wake her. She remembered nothing. I don’t know if she remembers now. Amnesia, the healer called it.”

Elladan cut him off, stopped Legolas from speaking anymore. “She could not forget! It is in her heart!”

“She could not help it! Do not hold it against her, do not hold it against me! We could have prevented nothing, nor could we have known!” Legolas burst out, face reddening from anger. He suddenly looked concerned. “We must be away from here.”

“I will not leave her side—!”

“You must! We must! Else we will hurt her more!” Legolas leaned farther toward Elladan. “She is an empath. She feels inside hearts. She can sense our emotions. Anger and contempt and despair will only hurt her.”

“How do you know this?”

Legolas looked away, “It is how she came to me. She felt my heart, she felt my longing, and she met it, perhaps even thought that which emanated from me was her own, when she was only picking up on my feelings.” He stared into the other being’s eyes, “I know. We must leave her in peace.”

Elladan considered this a moment, but before he could refuse, Legolas took his arm to lead him away. “If you really love her, forgive her, forgive me, and forget it, else she will feel your distrust, your anger, and she will turn from you. She cannot control those powers yet. I assume that is why Elrond summoned her, but I fear that she had not come into her powers fully until she arrived back in Mirkwood and that her training did not cover how to suppress the feelings she collects. It will soon become too much if we do not leave her to recover.”

Elladan finally nodded, and Legolas led him away from the bedchambers where he knew Merewen was sleeping less then fitfully, filled with heartache, confusion and pain.