I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t h i r t y s i x

After sitting on the floor for a long while Abby finally stood up, offering her hand to Lexa to help her up. The two sat down on the chairs next to each other, a deafening silence surrounding them. Moments later Abby turned her head to look at Lexa, whose head was buried in her hands as she continued to cry. "How are you holding up sweetheart?" Abby croaked, knowing it was a stupid question. Lexa sniffled a little and looked up meeting Abby's eyes, wishing she could stare into Clarke's blue ones one last time. "It's my fault Abby, it's all my fault," The brunette managed to get out as she looked for any signs of anger in Abby's eyes, but there was none. "Lexa none of this is your fault, the reason she's alive is because of you," Abby replied, placing a hand on Lexa's back rubbing small circles of comfort. Lexa shook her head, "we don't even know she's still alive-" Lexa cut herself off as a shiver shot down her spine. "If I had gotten to her sooner, if I hadn't left her alone all day, if I had been better as a person and girlfriend, then I'd be enough for her to stay alive."

Abby watched the distressed brunette with pity, she knew as much as she told her it wasn't her fault, the girl wouldn't believe it. "Lexa, she loves you very much, you are the best thing in her life. It's not your fault, and I need you to have faith that she'll be okay, they haven't told us anything yet, that means she's still fighting. She's fighting for you Lexa." The brunette shook her head as she played with her fingers in her lap. "I should've done better, I'm sorry I failed your daughter Abby, I never wanted to hurt her." Abby gave the girl a sad smile, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear and turning her tear stained face to look at her, "You are the only one that has never failed her Lexa, this wasn't your fault, the blame lies with whoever gave her those pills." Lexa gulped, knowing that Abby was right, in some senses. But she had let Clarke down, she'd failed her before at the cinema and the months following that incident and she'd failed her now.

The brunette longed to be able to hold Clarke in her arms once more, but not like she did in the grave yard. She wanted to be able to race Clarke upstairs to the bedroom and admire her beauty as she got changed for bed. She wanted to be able to pick her up bridal style and lay her on the soft blankets that covered the bed where they slept, together. She wanted to be able to leave soft, loving kisses along Clarke's jawline and down her neck, watching and laughing as she squirmed when she kissed her in a ticklish area. She wanted to hear Clarke's suppressed moans as she bit on her sensitive neck. All Lexa wanted was to be able to pull the girl she loved in to her chest and watch as her blonde locks covered her chest, nuzzling into her neck. She wanted to hear Clarke's light snores and quiet adorable sneezes. She wanted the warmth of her girlfriends body against hers. Lexa wanted to feel Clarke's plump and soft lips against hers once more. She wanted to feel her heart beat as her head lay on her chest.

And knowing that she may never have any of that again. That is was broke Lexa.

Once again, she was going to lose the person she loved most in the world.

This is why she had told herself not to love.

If she thought Costia's death broke her, she wasn't ready for Clarke's.

Minuets turned into hours as the two distraught girls sat waiting for any news. "I'm going to get a coffee and chase up a doctor, do you want anything?" Abby asked as she slowly stood up. Lexa nodded lightly attempting to show a small smile, "black coffee would be great thanks," she murmured getting a smile back from Abby as she headed off.

Lexa had stopped crying, she was sure that she'd cried out every tear in her body. Her head was still pounding from overthinking and the stress of the situation. Lexa didn't know what she'd do if Clarke didn't make it, but she was also just as lost as to what she'd do if she did. How was she supposed to carry on as if nothing had happened. She blamed herself for everything. Had Clarke not trusted her enough to tell her how she was really feeling and that she was this close to ending it all? Clarke has been lying to her the whole time, telling her and reassuring her that she was doing better. She remembered the night Clarke had presented her with a promise ring and how to girl had promised that she'd stay alive for her, she'd stay alive because she had Lexa and that was all she needed. Lexa scoffed a little thinking back to it, obviously things had changed between them since then. However before all this Lexa thought they had only been heading in a good direction. There was no doubt that Lexa loved Clarke and wanted to be with her forever. But she didn't know how she'd move past this, whether Clarke lived or died, in Lexa's mind it was ultimately her fault that all this had happened.

The brunette fidgeted aimlessly with a loose piece of paper she'd found in her pocket. What would she say when she saw Clarke again, if she saw Clarke again? Lexa pulled out her phone and texted Lincoln and Octavia warning them what had happened, hoping they may be able to give her some support and advice.

Soon enough Abby returned with a couple of cups of coffee and a small bag. She sat down next to Lexa once again, handing her a cup and the bag. Lexa thanked her taking a sip of the warm drink that heated her insides kindly. She took a peak into the bag and smiled as she saw a small pastry. With all her worry about Clarke through the day and the events of tonight Lexa had forgotten to eat. "What did the doctors say?" Lexa questioned, a hint of hope laced in her voice. "She's breathing, just about but she's passed out, her pulse is incredibly-" Abby stopped momentarily, "it's weak, but shes still fighting Lexa. She's fighting for us, for you."

Lexa gulped. She was relieved that the beautiful blonde was still alive but her anxiety was rocketing at the thought of the girl being just on the edge of death. "I wish it was me," Lexa muttered under her breath. "Don't say that Lexa," Abby replied softly taking the girls hand softly squeezing it. "I'd die for her Abby, I wish I could take her place so she doesn't have to suffer. She deserves to live." The brunettes voice broke as a few tears escaped her eyes. "Clarke is so lucky to have you Lexa, she wouldn't want this pain for you either. So if not for yourself, then for Clarke, stop blaming yourself."

Lexa thought about Abby's words. She was right, Clarke wouldn't want her to blame herself, or maybe she would. All Lexa could think about was how maybe she never knew Clarke at all. The things she felt, the things she cared about. Did she ever even love Lexa? Of course she did, at least she used too. A whimper escaped Lexa's lips as she looked down. "Lexa. Clarke loves you more than anything in the world, please don't ever question it, I can see it on your face, the doubt and the fear. But that's one thing you don't need to fear. Clarke loves you and always will. The brunette nodded stiffly not making eye contact.

"Miss Woods?" A rather monotone voice called. Lexa's head shot up and she saw the doctor walking towards them. "That's me," she replied shyly standing to shake the doctors hand. "We have some news, would you like to take a seat for me?" She smiled sympathetically gesturing to the chairs they were previously sitting on.

Lexa and Abby looked at the doctor in anticipation as he sat opposite them, folding his hands in his lap. "She's unconscious and is on life support. A machine is breathing for her, quite honestly, in the state she's in we are not sure how long the machines will be able to keep her alive, we don't know if she will ever wake up, but we will do all we can to make sure it happens." Lexa gulped, tears once again threatening to spill out of her eyes.

"Can we-" Lexa stuttered raking in another deep breath, "can we see her?" She asked looking up to meet the doctors sad eyed gaze. He gave a small nod as he stood up, "follow me." Lexa and Abby stood up, linking arms for emotional and physical support as they followed the doctor. "Here it is," he gestured to a closed door. Lexa could feel herself sweating like crazy as her and Abby stared at each other a moment. "It'll be okay, don't be scared, she'll be okay," Abby murmured not convincingly. Abby gripped the door handle and slowly opened the door to the room where her daughter lay.