I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t w e n t y f i v e

⚠️trigger warning - self harm⚠️

A month had passed, no communication between the two teenagers had been exchanged, despite Clarke's insistent efforts and hundreds of missed calls and ignored texts. Clarke had become accustomed too Lexa's new persona, apparently she now let everyone in. Surrounding herself with the schools popular kids, a new girlfriend who clung to her arm. Clarke suffered at Lexa's happiness, wondering if any of it was real or if it was all just for show in spite of her. Each time Clarke passed her, the girl would stare at her with a dead expression before turning back to her group of new found friends laughing and joking. The blonde continued her days as if everything was fine, but each night she would retire to her room and lock the doors, adding lines to her arm with her trusty blade - the only thing she could rely on, the only constant in her life.

Lexa saw the pain on the girls face each time she glanced at her. After all that had happened Clarke had mastered the art of blank expression, but Lexa could see the truth in her eyes. Lexa could see the girls hurt and suffering. All she wanted was to run into her arms and never let go, she wanted to be with Clarke, but she couldn't. The more she thought about talking to the girl, the more scared she became. Though she loved Clarke more than anything in the world, Lexa wondered how she looked her in the eyes and told her that she had never loved her. The brunettes heart had forgiven the girl, but her head told her differently. Lexa had promised Anya that she'd talk to Clarke, but the longer she left it, the less likely she knew it was to happening. She had tried opening herself up to people, forming a group of 'friends' whom she used to distract herself from her broken heart. And her new 'girlfriend,' a better name for her was probably a 'friend with benefits.'

Clarke had become accustomed to the taste of straight vodka. Before, it was something she had despised greatly, but now it was her best friend. She found herself downing at least a bottle a night, despite Octavia and Ravens protests and attempts to stop her. The more she drunk, the worse she felt, but at least it offered some period of time each night where she could completely forget about Lexa's existence and her broken heart. Clarke often wondered if Lexa felt the same, if she had become self destructive. But her well rested face and perfectly curled hair each morning suggested otherwise. The blonde had lost all hope that Lexa would ever come back to her, ever share a real smile with her again.

That Friday Clarke dragged herself to the changing room for sports class. Having not slept a wink in the past month, she looked like a zombie. The bags under her eyes hung heavy, each glint of light that had ever existed in her blue eyes had been extinguished, leaving them a foggy grey. Her hair was alone a rugged birds nest and her head was a blur. Each time Clarke cut another line into her arm she hoped it would be the last, that maybe she'd just bleed out and that she'd not have to explain killing herself to anyone, but she hadn't been so lucky.

The blonde hauled herself into the changing rooms and slumped into the corner of one of the benches. She threw her head violently back against the locker causing a grunt to slip from her mouth at the pain. The blonde sat, eyes closed until she heard silence. She was too scared to change, especially as the cuts ran up half of her body now. When she heard silence she finally opened her eyes and began to change.

The creak of the door opening and a shocked glance caused Clarke to look up quickly, pulling her tracksuit bottoms all the way up around her waist. "Clarke..." the soft voice echoed as Clarke made eye contact with those green eyes she'd missed and dreaded seeing again. The blonde turned away, tears threatening to escape her eyes as she clenched her jaw tightly. "Those are fresh," the brunettes voice got louder as she walked towards the blonde. Clarke didn't look back, she couldn't meet those eyes again, she couldn't look at Lexa at all. Though the brunette had caused her so much pain, she never wanted this. She didn't want the girl to see, she didn't want her to show pity. She didn't want the only reason that Lexa was taking to her again to be that she didn't want the girls death on her conscious. "Clarke look at me... please," the brunettes voice cracked as she spoke, Clarke could tell that what she saw had pained her. Clarke gulped and shook her head, her eyes squeezed shut, hoping the floor should just swallow her up.

Lexa reached out, gently placing her hand on Clarke's shoulder. The blonde winced and Lexa tensed slightly realising that there was probably cuts all over the girls body, and that it was her fault. "Im sorry Clarke. I should've talked to you." She said softly, turning the girl round to face her. A pang of heartbreak rushed through her body as she admired Clarke's face. The blondes eyes were still shut tightly, her tear stained cheeks were red and puffy. The brunette softly cupped the blondes face in her warm hands, wiping away the tears that were falling. "Please open your eyes Clarke," she whispered softly, stroking small circles on the blondes cheeks. Slowly her eyes fluttered open, breaking Lexa's heart even further as she saw the light had been drained from them. The two girls stared into each other's eyes momentarily getting lost before Clarke spoke. "Tell coach I felt sick so I went home," she whispered pulling away from Lexa's gentle grip. "Clarke- wait." The brunette called after her as she turned to walk away. "You don't have to pretend to care anymore Lexa, it's okay, I'll be okay." The blonde said offering a small smile through her tears before turning again to walk away. Lexa went to follow her but was drawn back as her classmate called for her through the other door.