I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

t w e l v e

"Can I talk to you?" Lexa whispered shyly, her head still leaning against Clarke's, her hands draped around the blondes waist. "Of course," Clarke replied, her voice was merely a croak. Lexa untangled their bodies and quickly reached for Clarke's hand pulling her into her bedroom, before closing the door and locking it. She turned to look at Clarke who raised her eyebrow at her with a small grin on her face. "Shut up," Lexa sighed with a small laugh. "I didn't say anything!" Clarke giggled, throwing her hands in the air. As their hands let go, a small pout flashed over Lexa's face, quickly disappearing before Clarke could see it. "So what did you want to talk about?" Clarke asked as she followed Lexa to the bed and sat crossed legged opposite her. Lexa let out a deep breath that she didn't realise she was holding in, "everything, my past, the present, our future." Clarke nodded as she made eye contact with the girl. She could tell the normally fearless brunette was terrified. Clarke reached for her hand, slipping them together as she drew soft circles on her palm. "Take you time," she whispered sweetly, not daring to let go of the other girls hand.

⚠️trigger warnings - suicide/death/homophobia- Please reach out to me or anyone trusted if this effects you in anyway or if you need any type of support. ⚠️

Lexa took a minute to slow her breathing and get control of her mind before she began. "I guess I should tell you why my mood changed so quickly when we were last together. The road where your mother lives, is the road I grew up on." Lexa gulped visibly. The blonde squeezed her hand in reassurance as she carried on. "A lot of bad things happened there, and I blame myself for them. I swore to never go back there because I knew it would bring back old memories and reopen hidden wounds."

"I'm sorry," Clarke spoke softly and sincerely. Lexa shook her head, "it's not your fault, how were you supposed to know?" Clarke nodded lightly, "I'm still sorry Lex."

With a sigh Lexa continued, "My parents died in the house I grew up in. I watched it happen, I couldn't stop it. It was my fault, and all I did was hide." A few tears had begun to roll down Lexa's flushed face as she spoke. "Lexa, it's not your fault." The brunette shook her head vigorously, "But it is Clarke. If I hadn't of fallen in love, then they'd both still be alive. It's my fault, because I loved a girl."

Clarke couldn't deny she was slightly confused as to what this had to do about anything, but she didn't want to push the vulnerable brunette that say opposite her. From what Lexa had said, she assumed that her parents weren't supportive of her sexuality which made a small frown appear on Clarke's face. "The same year, she died. I thought that after losing my parents, that at least I had someone who still loved me, someone who accepted me and cared for me."

The tears pouring from Lexa's eyes were like a waterfall, and Clarke hadn't even realised she was also crying. "But then I lost it all. And I sat and watched all three of them die." Lexa spoke, her voice nearly less than a whisper by the time she's finished her sentence.

"I'm so sorry Lexa." Clarke hushed as she moved to sit next to the girl, pulling her into her side closely. The brunette shut her eyes, burying her face into Clarke's side. "I just stood by as he shot her, and then himself-" she sobbed into Clarke. Clarke was frozen as Lexa had said that. She assumed she meant her father, her father had shot her mother and then killed himself too.

"And I sat, in the wardrobe like a coward, watching until they were both lying on the floor, lifeless." Lexa sniffled, sitting up again properly, however Clarke's arm was still tightly wrapped around her. "Your not a coward Lexa, and this isn't your fault." Clarkes gentle voice echoed through her ears. "He didn't like that I was gay. He turned to drinking because of it. He was drunk that night, because of me. It was my fault Clarke." Lexa's voice had shifted from broken to showing no sign of emotion.
Slowly and some what reluctantly the brunette pulled out of Clarke's embrace and stood up, not looking at the blonde who still sat on her bed. "And Clarke, I like you, I really like you. But I can't be with you, as your friend or anything more. Not anymore. I'm sorry."

Clarke was shocked by the words that had just left the older girls mouth. They'd gone from comforting and cuddling, to this. Lexa showed no sign of emotion and her back was still turned towards Clarke. The blonde hopped off the bed and walked in front of Lexa. "Why are you doing this?" She managed to croak out, the words almost getting caught in her throat.

Lexa was staring at the ground, not wanting to make any sort of eye contact with the goddess that stood before her, she could act emotionless for now, but she knew she'd melt if she looked into those blue eyes. "Isn't it obvious? I'm cursed Clarke, and everyone around me is either dead or hurting because of me. I don't want to cause you any pain, so I need to let you go before this becomes anything." Clarke scoffed in disbelief, "so this, between us," Clarke started pointing at the two of them, "this isn't anything to you?" She questioned, the anger evident in her voice. Lexa gulped, she hated lying to the girl and could tell she was hurting, but it was better to let her go now than drag her down with her.

Lexa shook her head lightly, earning another scoff from the blonde. "Your hurting me by doing this Lexa. Please-" Clarke was cut off by Lexa, "Clarke don't make this harder than it has to be. We are in a place where we can stop feeling for each other, we can stop caring. I can't let myself love you, because I can't let myself lose you." This is when the brunettes mask broke. Another set of silent tears were flowing down her cheeks, her voice trembling.

"Well now you have lost me. But that's okay right, because you didn't love me, so you suddenly don't care?" The anger of Clarke's voice was rising. The blonde took a step closer to Lexa. "Look me in the eyes and tell me to go, and I will. I'll leave right now and never come back, I'll stay out of your life forever." She spat venomously. Lexa didn't look up, her heart was breaking right there and then. She did love Clarke, and this was so fucking hard. But it's something she had to do to protect the girl.

Slowly she lifted her head, her green eyes meeting those ocean blue ones for what might be the last time. "I'm sorry Clarke." She stuttered watching as those beautiful blue eyes filled with pain began to glimmer as more tears fell down.

"I can't believe I was starting to fall in love with you." Clarke whispered brokenly as she turned away. Those words made Lexa's legs tremble as she fell to the floor watching as the girl she loved left. She just watched as the girl she loved walked away, and it was her fault. A familiar feeling weighed on her heart, the feeling of sitting by and watching someone you love, leave forever.

Lexa felt so helpless and small as she laid in a pool of her own tears on her bedroom floor. She kept telling herself this was for the best, but deep down she knew that she'd fucked up.