Bliss

seven

When I think of clubbing, I think of noise and mess and pain. Not physical pain, of course, although I've had my fair share of knocks on the dancefloor, but the kind of pain that stems from within. You know, the type of pain that only someone like Spencer can cause. And yeah, maybe a few months ago, I'd think of noise and mess and crying girls in the bathroom, but the moment he kissed her, their betrayal getting lost in the haze of drunken regret, clubbing changed.

Suddenly it wasn't something to look forward to, but something to avoid, something to abhor. And even though Paula thinks it'll fix everything, from my raging frown right down to my fractured heart, I know it won't. I know it can't because if it could, I'd be fixed already.

How do I know this?

Well, don't tell Paula, but Jess and I did our fair share of clubbing back in January when Spencer and I first broke up.

Yes, there was a first breakup. It was uneventful, lasted all of two weeks, and by the time reality set in, he was apologising, and I forgave him. Which, now I think about it, is perhaps the most stupid thing I've ever done. It's not like he cheated on me the first time, but he almost did, and I took him back.

Crap, what kind of precedent must that have set?

Cheat on Lizzie. It's fine; she won't care.

I'm not blaming myself. I know it seems like I am, but I'm not. It's just that maybe I made it too easy.

Gosh, this is not what I need.

Groaning, I roll out of bed and trudge towards Paula's room. She's not in there. But, if I strain a little, I can hear tinny melodies drifting from outside. I shuffle towards the living room and out the French doors. She's with Henry and Isaac. The three of them are laughing, swaying along to the music carelessly. Happily. The complete opposite of me.

I rub my eyes and perch on the edge of Paula's lounger. She wriggles up to give me more space, but I don't move into it.

"You alright, Lizzie?" She reaches out and runs a hand down my arm. "You seem a little out of it."

"I'm fine." A smile creeps onto my face. It tweaks the corners of my lips and crinkles the dip beside my eye.

"You sure?" Paula asks.

"Of course. So, what's the plan for tonight?"

"I told Mum we'd be gone for around ten," Henry says. "But we could always leave a little earlier. Get a few drinks or something."

"When's curfew?" I ask.

Henry and Paula descend into laughter. My eyes narrow and flick between them. "What? Is there not a curfew?"

"Why would there be a curfew?" they ask.

"Because Mum loves a curfew. It's why I always stay with Jess whenever I go out." Her parents are rarely around to know when we get back.

"You'll be with us, Lizzie," Henry says. "No curfew needed."

"Well, on that note, I'm going to have a nap." I jump to my feet, turning only to tell Paula to call me when she wants to get ready. I catch the worry that settles in her and Henry's eyes, but I ignore it and head for the house. It's easier to sleep the day away. I'll need the rest if I'm expected to survive tonight.

~*~

It's dark when Paula comes to get me. I spent the day hidden under my duvet, inhaling a kilo of chocolate while Vampire Diaries played in the background. But now it's time to stop wallowing and get up. Now it's time to be happy. Whatever that means.