Yesterday - Bucciarati Fanfiction

Chapter 33 - The Emissary

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, my hands were starting to shake and my breathing was getting heavier. No, don't panic. Don't panic, it's useless, it's in the past. Get on with it, for fuck sake Alda, get a grip. No amount of inner monologue could fix my coming panic attack. "Fuck, fuck, I hate this- I'm sorry, I just- I killed someone Bruno haha- I- the blood. It spattered all over my face, the ground, her face! The fucking gun! Everywhere! The bang, the ringing in my ear, everything is rushing back to me- Mista- he- Mista said it had to happen but did it?? It's-" I felt like I was drowning, I was out of breath but breathing fine, yet it was awful. I was choking, it was stupid, I chuckled nervously and was about to continue my ramble when Bruno sat next to me in bed and brought me in a very tight hug. At first, I wasn't calming down, but then he started talking about random things, as he rubbed my back and, slowly, my breathing evened and I was left only sobbing on his shoulder.

We stayed like that a long time, I let out everything without any of us speaking. In my head everything was a mess, my moral compass being the one who had taken a biggest hit. My conscience was already a mess after Sergei's accident... murder. It wasn't an accident; it was a murder. Let's call a spade a spade, uh.

I had no idea how I was supposed to get over this, or if I ever will but I knew I couldn't just rely on friendships and love. Even less when those things were both drenched in the same blood, I was drenched in. I was not about to bash them for being desensitize to murder, but I still had that part of me that was still sensitive to those things, I like to call it human decency. Was I even allowed to judge them for being desensitized to murder when I had killed two people? Casting the first stone in the situation could be seen very hypocritical, and I was very well aware of it.

And yet, in the back of my head, I had this strong feeling towards Mista. His action... I couldn't hate him, but I don't think I could see his face right now, either. It would be stupid of me to hate him when I knew full well, he did those things on daily basis, he killed; But not just him, all of them. I couldn't stay in my ivory tower and avoid of all this; it was bound to happen. But did it have to happen with my hand, my finger on the trigger? And with my old friend, at the end of the barrel? The bullet in her head? Did it have to turn out like that? Feeling sick at the thought, I pushed Bruno away and gesture with my hand that I was about to throw up, so he rushed to the door and grabbed the bin that was sitting there, and brought it to me. It was timed perfectly, the moment I grabbed it and let it all out. There were a few waves, both of them making my throat hurt more and more. But once it was over, I leaned back on the pillows, the bin still in hand and made a peace sign with my hands. "All good, really. I'm feeling tip top." It made my lover chuckle in relief before yawning as he sat back on the chair.

All the stress that had gathered in his body throughout the days, was probably slowly leaving his body since the moment I woke up. I could see the tiredness was catching up to him, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Calling out his name, I asked if he could help me to the bathroom so that I could brush my teeth, he accepted in a heartbeat and held me as we walked there. Once there, he stayed by my side while I brushed my teeth, I could see his face in the reflection of the mirror and it reminded me of our lazy mornings. I wanted to go home, but I knew it'd be a while until then. Smiling at him through the mirror, he smiled back and brushed my shoulders before placing a kiss on back of my neck. "I'm glad you wake up, I missed you. I'm sorry you went through this." I scoffed and leaned over the sink to spit, and rinse my mouth before turning around, a tired smile on my face. "Yeah... I made the choice of joining Passione, right? It was bound to happen... I just never thought it'd hit so hard, I guess... but... I think I want to handle this properly, and see a professional-" "You can talk to me if you'd like, I'm here for you."

I shook my head and kissed him tenderly, before leaning my forehead against his. "I love you so much, but I don't want to put that weight on you. You're hardly sleeping as it is, I'd rather see a therapist to get help- but I'm here for you too, I just think I really need this." I explained hesitantly, opening my eyes once again only to see his beautiful eyes filled with what looked like a mixt of understanding and hurt. Knowing him, he could even be blaming himself for not being the one I'd go to after such a traumatic event, so I quickly added, "It's not your fault, I just know professionals are, you know, made to handle that- but we're not. You might be a mafioso, but that doesn't mean your coping mechanisms are good, you know?" I felt his breath hit my skin as he laughed, humming in agreement. "You're right... I'll talk to Giorno about finding a professional that won't go to the police."