Already Gone

Perfectly Imperfect

   Even though I was doing a pretty decent job at answering Dr. Torres's questions and answering them honestly, I didn't want to answer this one because it would lead to a certain topic.

A painful topic.

"Stella?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," I said tersely.

Dr. Torres nodded, "That's okay...yeah, that's definitely okay."

"Okay," I pursed my lips together, "So where do I go now?"

   Apparently, Dr. Torres didn't have an answer to that because she didn't say anything and since I didn't know either, I kept quiet as well. This lead to the tense silence that ended up happening.

"You can stay with me," Dr. Torres suddenly blurted out.

"What?"

Today was like a roller-coaster, filled with unexpected dips and turns.

Dr. Torres nodded, "Yeah...me and my wife. We can help you, she's a doctor too."

"Does she work here?" I asked.

"She does actually, you've probably already met her," Dr. Torres told me which made me start thinking about who she could be talking about.

My eyes widened, "You're married to Dr. Kepner?"

"What?" Dr. Torres looked confused, "No, not Dr. Kepner. Dr. Robbins, I'm married to Dr. Robbins, as in the Head of Peds Dr. Robbins."

"Oh..." I nodded slowly, "Is that even legal though? For me to stay with you? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's incredibly kind of you to offer something like that."

Dr. Torres shrugged, "We'll think of it as a 'sleepover'."

"A 'sleepover'," I repeated.

"But Stella, we can only help you if you're willing to give up painkillers," Dr. Torres said seriously, "We can try and help you all we want but it's not going to go anywhere if you can't let us help you."

I knew that.

I knew that I could only get rid of my monster if I was willing to let it go.

And I wanted to, I did, but at the same time, I didn't.

"Stella?"

"Yeah," I looked up at her, "I want to get unhooked."

"Okay," Dr. Torres let out a breath, "That's good, that's a start."

I nodded, "So what now?"

"Well, we can probably keep you here until our shift ends, and then you'll come home with us," Dr. Torres told me, "But before all that, I have to run all that by Arizona."

"Oh! What are you going to run by me?"

Dr. Torres and I looked over at the door and standing there was the one and only Dr. Robbins.

"We were just talking about you," Dr. Torres exclaimed.

Dr. Robbins smiled, "So I heard. Now, what did you want to run by me?"

"How about I do run it by you out in the hall?" Dr. Torres stood up and started walking over to Dr. Robbins to escort her out.

"Why?" I asked, "It's not like I don't already know what you're going to tell her."

"What's going on?" Dr. Robbins asked, sounding confused even though the smile was still on her face.

Dr. Torres nodded, "Excuse us for a moment, Stella."

   I wasn't sure why Dr. Torres had to go outside of the room to talk to Dr. Robbins but since it didn't really matter that much, I ignored it and just nodded back at her. It was oddly quiet though so I could make out bits and pieces of their conversation.

"Okay, so I may or may not have told her to come and stay with us when she gets discharged," Dr. Torres whispered.

"What? Why?" Dr. Robbins' voice boomed out and was quickly shushed by Dr. Torres.

   After that, their voices dropped significantly and I couldn't make out anything but a few words that didn't sense out of context.

It took a few minutes but both doctors eventually returned.

Dr. Torres gave me a thumbs up and I knew that Dr. Robbins had approved the plan.

"So she knows?" I asked, "About me?"

   My question didn't make much sense but Dr. Torres seemed to understand what I meant because she nodded in return.

"She does."

"You should have said something last time," Dr. Robbins said softly. Gently.

Too gently.

I shrugged, "I guess, yeah. Maybe I would have I had known I would have just ended up back here."

"Fair enough," Dr. Robbins smiled. "Alright, I have to check on the other patients and I have to scrub in on a surgery in about an hour but I'm sure I'll be in and out."

"Either way though, we'll both be here to discharge you at the end of our shift," Dr. Torres told me.

I nodded, "Okay..."

   Dr. Torres and Dr. Robbins left the room, and I was alone once again in the hospital room. It was crazy to think about how many turns have happened these last few days.

First the bus I was on tipped over, and I was the only survivor.

   Then, while in the hospital, I somehow managed to convince my mother to come and discharge me.

   And now I was back, but after confessing my secret to Dr. Torres, I was now going to stay with her and Dr. Robbins and they were going to help me get clean.

   I would have never thought in a million years that something like this would happen. I would even go out on a limb and say that things were going well. It was going perfectly.

An imperfect thing going perfectly.

I should have been full, content with what I had, but I wasn't.

   As much as I hated it and felt guilty for wanting more, I couldn't help myself. It was only one thing that I still wanted though, and even though it was impossible to get, I couldn't help myself.

Stella.

If only Stella were here too.