Text Messages (A Bungo Stray Dogs Fanfic)

Chapter 4| You were good to me

Akutagawa's POV

I stood there, face emotionless as I let the rain soak me.
It's been 8 days since I learned that the weretiger died. And it's the funeral today.

Everyone is here, the agency, some people from the Port Mafia except from Dazai-san.

I didn't want to come too.

I was planning to at least hole up in my room or maybe kill some little sh*ts to calm down. But Chuuya beat me to it. Told me that If I didn't come he would f*cking ban me from missions for a while. Well I didn't want that would I? It's the only f*cking way to forget something but If he bans me from it I might die from depression.

Just like he did.

I stared at the grave with flowers surrounding it. His name carved at the stone. I couldn't cry.

I just couldn't.

Or maybe I just shouldn't.

After all, I've done so many things to him. I don't even know how I managed to care for that stupid tiger. In the alliance, we would still attack him but hell, he still cared.

I hurted him, stabbed him, beat him but he still f*cking cared.

I wanted to beat him, to kill him but now he's dead what now?

Was I satisfied?

No I wasn't.

If I did then I wouldn't probably attend this Funeral, soaking wet and hearing sobs from the other members of the Agency.

I would probably celebrate if I was satisfied right?

But I wasn't.

Who thought that the weretiger could break me? Chuuya-san even told me that he saw Dazai-san cry and He was the same too.

Ha.

I never knew I could even care less if that weretiger died yet now look at me. Standing in the rain, doesn't even know how to react.

I looked beside me and saw Chuuya-san, face also emotionless. He was wearing a black suit and tie, his back straightened as his head hung low. I bet he also doesn't know what to feel huh?

"Chuuya-san"

I began, returning my gaze back to the grave in front of me. Reading the words carved over and over again.

He looked at me, face contorted into confusion.

"Do you know where Dazai-san went?"

I asked, wondering where would my once mentor went.

"Oh"

"I don't know"

"It's probably best to leave him alone for a while"

Chuuya-san replied, his face forced into a slightly sad smile as he looked at me. I just looked down, not bothering to comment or reply to him because it was true though. It would probably best to leave him alone for a while.

I looked around in my surroundings. Seeing people cry in their black gowns and suits. Now thinking, The girls are the only ones who has an umbrella under their head. Some boys has one too but mostly just let the rain pour onto them. Not caring one bit.

Just like me.

To be honest I'm really jealous of Atsushi, that f*cking weretiger. It was a given but I was so jealous that it was probably driven to a point where I just want to ruin him. Alive.

I'm still jealous until now you know? Especially when I heared that Dazai-san cried for him. Sure, maybe it was disgusting of me to think like that to a dead person but I couldn't help to think that,

If I died would he cry too?

If I took suicide would he suffer too?

Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't.
But this jealousy always driven me out of bounds.

I stabbed Atsushi.

I beated Atsushi.

I hurted that weretiger.

Do you even know that I was also planning on hiring someone to rape him?

But that's just f*cked up.

Very f*cked up.

But after all those things he still manage to smile at me.

To care for me.

He was just too pure.
He was still weak, I can give you that but that's just what makes everyone love him.

Makes everyone want to protect him.

I still remember the time when we were at a mission together. I got hurt pretty bad by some fire blasting dude. I thought he would leave me be, leave the f*cking knife embedded on my torso but he didn't.

Instead he helped me get the knife out and tried to stop the bleeding. Hell he even carried me back to a road so backup could see us. I was hella embarrased too.

Those were good times. Good times that I want to go back to. Maybe when I go back at that time I wouldn't hate him. I wouldn't be jealous of him. Maybe I could even give him a hug.

Ugh, that's embarassing to say.

But hey it's true though. I'm sure everyone here wants the same. To just wake up and see that stupid face of him smiling at you.

But that's never gonna happen.

We're all forced to see the reality that he's dead. That he was too tired to keep fighting. That he just gave up.

That weretiger didn't even f*cking think who he will leave. Who will cry when seeing him in a coffin. Who will suffer when they know that he's not here anymore.

I bet he didn't even hesitate when he kicked the chair that he was standing on.

But I wish he did.

I wish he told someone about his f*cked up problems.

I wish he just lived.

And it's pathetic of me to even wish that because I'm the one who always targets him aren't I?

I slowly walked out of the place, not wanting to see anymore.
Sure, I've been staring at that f*cking grave like I didn't care but it still hurts.

It hurts like hell.

Chuuya-san didn't even bother to hold me back because he was also walking out himself.

As I walked, I aimlessly let my legs lead me throughout the city. I stared at the sky that already stopped raining was slowly clearing up.
It was really typical that it rained when the weretiger's funeral came.

It's like the sky was also mourning.

"F*cking sh*t"

I muttered under my breath, still walking as I now felt hot tears streaming in my cheeks.

So this is how it feels to cry huh?