Fighting with Fire #2 ✔

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟕 - 𝐄𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫

Clutching the edge of the toilet, I trembled and sobbed uncontrollably.

I didn't want Maia to become a werewolf, and live the way that we were living, but, equally so, I didn't want her to die because of it. Though, ultimately, it was up to her. I wouldn't change her decision, even if I tried to.

Then it was like everything hit me at once — everything that I'd been through ever since Theo showed up in my life at Ashley's on the last day of the summer holidays, ever since everything went wrong — and I threw up again.

Tears streamed down my face, partly due to the smell of my sick, partly because I was so tired of everything going on.

I want a normal life.

I didn't want this stupid Phoenix inside of me anymore; it was useless and only hurt others. There seemed to be no purpose to it living within me. I couldn't learn to control it, so Uncle Rob taught me how to conceal it instead.

"Ember, are you okay?" Ryder knocked on the bathroom door, that I'd somehow managed to close in my haste to get to a toilet.

"Just... just a minute," I called out and flushed the toilet. I then washed my face in the sink and scrubbed my hands clean.

Glancing at my reflection, I swallowed back more tears; I looked as useless and as unimportant as I felt. Though I knew that there was virtually nothing I could do to change it or stop it.

The Phoenix was too powerful to let me end myself. I'd learnt that back on Svalbard.

Ryder came in through the door, and I collapsed into his arms.

"Are you okay?" Concern filled his voice.

Instead of responding with the automatic 'I'm fine', I admitted the truth, "No." Hot tears slid down my cheeks again, and I continued, "I just feel so useless, and empty... I can't control the Phoenix."

"Maybe it's not about control." He shrugged, as he held my body tight to his.

That's new. Ryder seemed to be full of new and refreshing things and ideas... He was so positive and optimistic (unlike Theo).

"What's it about then?" I questioned, looking up at him, getting lost in those dark green eyes.

"Maybe you have to embrace it." He placed a hand on the side of my face, and I leaned into his palm.

"What if I hurt someone? What if I hurt you?" I placed my palm against his chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heart.

"I'll help you," he promised. "It took me a long while to learn control over the wolf, and even now, I have little blips where I end up lost..."

"Why was it so hard for you?" I frown up at him.

"I have ADHD, and anger management issues." He closed his eyes. "They were bad before my mom died, but when my dad started beating me, I got worse. I got angrier, and angrier, and couldn't find a way to release it."

"What did you do?" I whispered.

"I took up basketball. and boxing." He smiled weakly. "I found a little outlet for a while. But then when I was turned, it got harder again."

"What was... is your anchor?" I asked, expecting it to have been Hayden or maybe his mum.

"Myself," he responded, surprising me, "Even with Hayden, I still had to depend on myself to keep control."

"So... I need to find an outlet for the Phoenix?" I frowned up at him again.

"That's exactly what I'm saying." He smiled and pushed his lips against my forehead.