Faking it.

CHAPTER 33

"Sophia I know this isn't nice to say, but can I just wait upstairs for Milli?" I ask her and she looks at me shocked. "You didn't come here to clean with me? I am incredibly hurt Hailey." She says in mock hurt. Usually I would laugh at that, but I can't even bring myself to smile. Sophie notices my unusual behaviour and nods. "Call me if you need anything." "Thanks Sophie." She turns around and walks to the kitchen, while I walk upstairs to Milli's room. I quickly close the door behind me and pull out a pair of sweats and a hoodie from her drawer to put on.

While I wait for my best friend to return home I clean up the chaos that is her bedroom. Clothes are spread everywhere except in her closet. Even her blanket and pillows aren't where they are supposed to be. But for once I am grateful for this mess, it gives me something else to think about instead of what a mess my life is right now. Hah. If Milli's room was any messier you could compare it with how I feel right now. As if a bomb has exploded.

When I sat outside I came up with one thing that is great and that I am grateful for in this situation. If I were to grow up in England, I never would have met Milli and Simon and I simply cannot imagine a life without them. This is the only and most valuable constant in my life and this is something I know is mine and defines me.

Milli walks into the room and lays down on her bed by the time I am putting her clothes back in their place and I already feel a lump in my throat forming. She didn't even say a word and I already know that no matter how often I planned this situation in my head the past hour, I will cry. There is no going around that.

"Heyyy. How long have you been here? Did you wait long for me?" Milli starts but I can't bring myself to answer. I take deep but silent breaths in and out, trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Hailey? Why are you cleaning my room instead of scolding me for it?" She asks and the more she says the harder it gets for me to hold everything in.

I hear her stand up and try to distract myself by putting more clothes in her closet, but it is no use when she takes them away from me and throws them on the ground next to us. I look towards the clothes and she steps in front of me. "Hailey. What is going on?" She asks, the lightness in her voice is gone now. I look up and feel a tear escape my eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore." I whisper and that's the moment that I collapse. Everything that I refused to feel these past few years bubbles to the surface, and I let it out for the very first time. Milli holds me tight and let's me know that she is here for me while I cry on her shoulder.

I know that she is curious and wants to ask me questions but I am not sure if I can give her any answer right now when I don't have them myself.

At some point my crying stops and Milli pulls away, but still holds my hand. She turns my head to look her in the eyes. "I know it's bad if you let me see you this vulnerable, so I won't ask any questions today but if I don't know anything by Friday and before the dance competition I will get the answers out of you the hard way, okay?" she says and I nod, loving her for not treating me any different than she usually does.

"Do you want to eat something?" She asks and I shake my head no. "Okay I am incredibly hungry, so I'm gonna go get myself some food while you pick us something to watch." She continues and walks out the door. She sticks her head in a second later and looks at me. "You can also continue to clean my room while you're at it." My lips curl up a little bit and Milli walks away feeling satisfied.

I surprise myself by actually cleaning up her room to the end while she eats on her bed and tells me about her day since I am not in the biggest mood to talk. As soon as we are both finished, we lie down under her blankets and watch Pretty Little Liars together.

Milli falls asleep pretty fast but I can't shut my mind off enough to let me sleep. I lower the volume of her laptop a bit and turn to the other side, facing away from her, to continue watching since I won't get any sleep tonight.