Everything to me (A Paul Lahote imprint story)

A grave lapse

Warning: This chapter contains material that may trigger some readers. Mentions of death.

Flashback

Sitting on my bedroom floor, heads resting on the edge of my bed, my best friend Chantelle and I are on episode 5 of Friends. We've been best friends since I moved to Vancouver all those years ago, completely inseparable. Chantelle wanted to spend the day together, but I couldn't contain the feeling that she was holding something in.

"You wanna go outside and do something?" I ask her. "Go get ice cream?"

"Yeah sure. Let's go to the place by the park."

So we get up and dust the Dorito crumbs from our shirts and hop in the car. Once we pull out of the block she starts to ramble.

"Luce I have to tell you something. My dad, well he got a job over in Toronto. So were actually all going to be moving out there really soon." My heart feels like it's jumped out of my throat. I've never coped well with change and losing my other half is definitely a big change. Chantelle can see the color draining from my face and continues on. "Ah see I didn't want to tell you cause I know how you get with stuff like this and it's not easy for me either cause I love you to death and I don't want to lose you as a friend. But  I'm going to be so close to the school I want to go to once I graduate and-" She's cut off by the violent trembling coming from my whole body. I can feel a panic attack coming just at the mention of my best friend leaving me. She's leaving me too. Everything is going to change again. I can't do this by myself.

I can feel myself spiraling and before I can stop it, a growl rips out of my chest. My anxiety did me in again...

Let me tell you, shifting into a massive wolf while in a car is not advisable. There's a mess of glass as my paw punches through the windshield. The car swerves to the right and starts tumbling down the hill there, rolling further from the road and into the forest at the bottom. A tree forces the car into a jerking stop, but we've hit it at full speed. I hear the car screech in protest as it bends unnaturally, the steering wheel just inches away from Chantelle's legs now. My massive form has destroyed the inside of the car and all the windows around me., and the trees have twisted the outside of the car into an unrecognizable form.

Then the car finally settles.

Suddenly everything is quiet. So quiet it's eerie. I make myself look over at Chantelle and see the blood running down her face. It takes me a moment to register that the reason it's so eerily quiet is because she's not making a sound. No breath. No heartbeat.

I'm in such a state of shock that my body acts on its own accord, shifting back, and I'm left sitting in my torn up clothes, staring at my beautiful best friend beside me.

She won't get to move to Toronto. She won't get to go to her dream school. She'll never fall in love. Her life has just been cut short before she got a chance to really live. All because I had a damn panic attack.

The sound of sirens behind me snap me back to reality. Taking in the scene around me I know I have no options but to run before anyone knows I was there. It looks like she could have swerved to avoid an animal in the road and lost control, the tumble down the hill and the trees doing all this damage. The sirens are getting louder and I shift back into my wolf. Taking in the scene before me Chantelle's hair blowing in the breeze catches my eye and I'm left staring at her beautiful face for a moment. I let out a strangled howl at the sight and take off in a run, with no destination in mind. I just run until the sounds of screeching metal is overtaken by the sound of my paws thudding on the hard ground.

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor. In the same spot I sat with Chantelle just this morning. I've killed her. And I will never be able to undo that. I've lost her. Because I was scared to lose her. The irony spitting in my face and I let out a dark humorless chuckle.

I need to learn control. Before I hurt anyone else. My dad informs me that the police ruled it an accident. Witnesses heard a wolf howling nearby, so it was assumed that Chantelle lost control of her car when she hit the wolf, taking it down the hill with her. It must have hobbled off according to the cops. But by the look in my dad's eye as he tells me this, I know he knows the truth.

It takes a good while before I start to come back into myself. I tortured myself for weeks but my dad eventually coaxes me to a healthier place. I've reached a point where I just need it to be better. My Aunt Sue mentioned to me on the phone that some of the rez boys have shifted and I immediately know that that's where I'm going to belong. I won't hurt them, and maybe they'll help me with control.

My dad won't budge on the subject for a few more weeks, until I finally convinced him that this would be the best thing for everyone.

And with that, I bring my mind back to the present, and back to the silver wolf before me.

As the playback comes to an end in our minds, I feel Paul's fur on mine. He's leaning his body weight into me and it fills me with a sense of calm. I haven't allowed myself to think freely about Chantelle for almost a year. I feel sort of peaceful having let the memories escape the deepest confines of my brain. Paul stays pressed up against my quietly, listening to me process this new feeling.

"It felt surprisingly good to let go of that. I've been holding onto that for so long." I finally say."

"Good baby. You can always talk to me about anything you know. You don't have to hold onto this stuff alone anymore. It's me and you now."

"Oh you know my deepest darkest secret now Paul, there's no escape for you anymore." I say, and just like that, the serious moment is broken and we're back to sharing silly little things with each other. I now know that Paul's favorite food is fried chicken, and he can't contain his laughter when I tell him the name of my childhood hamster was snuggly.

Eventually the sun starts to come up and we're relieved of duty by Edward slipping through Bella's window. We shift back into our human forms once we're back in our land, grabbing clothes we have stuffed away in the forest. We break through the tree line and out onto LaPush beach. There's no one else in sight and the sun is slowly morphing the sky from navy to purple.

"Will you sit and watch the sun come up with me?" I ask timidly.

"Yeah. Come on." Paul can't hide the smile that creeps onto his face as he grabs my hand and leads me to a spot he deems acceptable, dropping down onto the sand.

I lean my head on his shoulder and his arm seems to naturally wrap around me, enveloping me in his warmth. I know he's not even watching the sunrise, cause I can feel his forehead resting on the side of my head.

A few minutes pass before I break the silence.

"Do you think this counts as our first date?" I ask out of curiosity, and let's be honest, a bit of hopefulness. But Paul pulls back in mock offence.

"What no! When it's our first date you'll know it! I'm gonna pull out all the stops for you. It's going to be epic."

"Well good, I can't wait! I want the full package deal. I expect flowers and I expect to swoon." I tease back.

"Oh I promise. I'll pick you up at 7." And with that Paul plants a kiss on my cheek, gets up and takes off into the woods.