sat by the ocean

ignore

I don't want to scare you away
but there's a lot of things I'm guilty for
I see myself as the devil
even though I am so young
and I feel stupid for saying it because I am young and thus invalid in all I do
but I have truly ruined lives

I wish you could look into what remains of my brain
so that you could see all the horrible things I've done
thought
felt
would they parallel yours?
gods, I hope not

I don't want you to hate yourself
or dislike yourself
even though you're allowed to

I want to make you know and feel and understand what you are
because you are amazing
and strong
and everything you say to me is a blessing

and now I am so deeply terrified
that you'll find out I'm not what you wanted
that I'm not worth the effort
that I'm too dense
that I'm too much
that I have my inattentive moments

because I want to provide you with everything you want,
everything you need,
and yet,
I cannot provide myself with what I need most

I say I don't know what it is
but I do
it's many things, yes,
but I know.

I know everything.
I just find myself unable to admit it.

will you leave when you hear me?
really hear me?

I can't talk.

I didn't talk for so long
but when j did
it had to be important
more important than me

I had to speak only the utmost truth,
and I had to do so in a way that would stun
in a way that proved I was more intelligent than anyone else my age each timr
do you understand? I'm fairly certain you might
and I'm sorry for that

you don't deserve the hurt you have faced
you need to know that

and I am never going to leave your side
even though I am terrified
that one day you'll wake up and say nevermind
and leave me in the ashes of all I gave

you wouldn't do that.
you would talk to me.
I know you'd never hurt me like that,
and yet,
I still worry

there's so much trauma I don't even talk about
but I don't think you'd wanna hear
you say you'll always listen,
but isn't that out of obligation at this point?
you've listened before, why tell me no now?
well, tell me no because I want you to
demonstrate your boundaries so that I can show you how well I can respect them
tell me you're too tired to process what I'm saying
or even that you're too tired for me today,
or too tired to deal with me

I'll understand
I really will

I'm just so terrified of losing you
because I feel like you're the one thing I got right
and I didn't even do anything

I've been a horrible person
and I'm not sure if I am still one now
and you can't verify that for me
even if you want to
for the simple fact that you don't know who I am when you're not around