ifhy, | vinnie hacker

04- tough luck i guess?

rhiannon

today is mom's funeral. just like the doctor said, they ruled moms death a suicide, so insurance wouldn't help with anything, i also won't be getting her life insurance. not that that's all i wanted in life, but i was hoping to put that towards my college tuition. speaking of that, my oh-so-wonderful, rich father that abandoned us when i was 9, paid all of moms hospital bills and the funeral arrangements, he also is in the process of selling mom's house, since apparently his name was still on it. he's going to put the money in a savings account for me, to help me through college.

with all of that being said, i put on a black dress and some black heeled booties. Slipping on my regular jewelry and brushed through my hair. i haven't put makeup on since everything happened. there's no point, i haven't been to school or anything and i just cry it off regardless. Vinnie's parents took me in and let me move into their spare bedroom until we graduate and go to college. i heard a knock at the door, and it cracked open. "come in" i said. vinnie poked his head around the corner. "how are you holding up? are you almost ready?" he asked. "i guess. i'll never be ready, but maybe i'll feel a little better." i said with a soft smile. "did jason text you?" he asked. "come on, you know he hasn't talked to me since it happened." i said. he looked down, "i'm sorry rhiannon." he said. "don't be, i needed to get out of that relationship anyways, but i was scared he was going to do something to himself, so he made it easier on me anyways." i said. "you're absolutely right. let's go, mom and dad are waiting." he said, he reached for my hand and i walked towards him, grabbing it and him closing the door behind me.

we walked downstairs and all eyes on me, i mean i guess they're just expecting me to break down at any sudden movements, honestly i'm a little bit more stable than that. but i wouldn't say that for long. we got in the car and drove to the church for the funeral. once we got there i felt obligated to talk to everybody since they were all here for my mom. people from work, my old teachers, my moms friends and of course family.
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the service was nice, my grandma said some nice words about her. i was going to, but i didn't wanna make a fool of myself in front of everybody. after that we went to the cemetery. i watched as they lowered my best friend into the ground, my role model and someone i never thought i'd be living without at my age. thinking about all of the things she was going to miss out on seeing, and all of the "first" stories i had to tell her at night when we watched tv and ate ice cream. all the times she'd come into my room wanting to watch scary movies and then making me cut them off in the middle because she couldn't watch anymore, and her always wanting to change her hairstyle because she felt "old". why is this happening to me? why couldn't i have helped her? was she really struggling that much, or was this just an accident? if she was struggling why didn't she ask me for help? i have so many questions, but i know they'll never get answered.
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after we left the cemetery, we went back to vinnie's house. i changed and laid in my bed. all i wanted was a hug from my mom, i missed jason even though i shouldn't, and of course missed my mom. vinnie knocked on my door again but i didn't move. i felt him place a hand on my arm, i was facing the other direction, looking out the window. i was stuck. "i'm coming in, so make room." he said. i moved over a little and he slid in behind me. we fell asleep for a few hours, and i woke up to my phone ringing. an unknown number. i clicked decline and tried to sneak out of bed without waking vinnie, but he was already awake. "did you have a nice nap?"he asked. "i guess so. but i need to do something." i said. he looked at me as i walked towards the bathroom. "like what?" he asked. i held up a finger and walked into the bathroom, peeing and then washing my hands before opening the door back up. "i don't know honestly. maybe a party or something, i need something to get my mind off of everything that's happening." i said. he looked at me. "there's some baseball boys having a party tonight, it's saturday and they party every saturday at the same time, at the same place." he said. "yeah let's do that. when does it start?" i asked. "'not till late tonight." he said. "do you wanna go?" i asked. "i mean i'll go, but i'm staying sober to make sure you're okay. and you have to let me take care of you okay?" he asked. "of course." i said.
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i was getting ready for the party, i straightened my hair and actually did my makeup. i'm not sure what kind of attire to wear to baseball players parties but i'll try my best. i put on some high waisted shorts with a band t and a black turtle neck underneath with my black vans. i walked out to vinnie's room and knocked on the door, he opened it. "you almost ready?" i asked. sitting on his bed and answering some texts. "yeah let's go!" he said. he grabbed his keys and we said our goodbyes to his parents, and started the drive there.

i could hear the music from half way down the street. i really needed this, to clear my head and try and have a good time. i mean i know that my mom just died, but i don't what else to do. i'm gonna drive myself crazy sitting inside and crying all day. i hope this isn't insensitive of me. "hey what are you thinking about?" vinnie asked, as he parked his car in the driveway. "i just don't want this to look bad, i don't want people to think i'm a horrible person for being at a party the day of my moms funeral." i said. he put his hand on top of mine, that felt weird, but a good weird. i looked at his hand. "nobody's gonna think that. If they do, it's your life and people grieve in different ways." he said. he was right i guess. we got out and walked into the house. it reeked of weed, and alcohol. i could smell about 6 different perfumes along with 4 different colognes. not pleasant. "VINNIE!!" a girl said running up to him and giving him a hug. he looked at me. "hey ella!" he said hugging her back. hmmm, never seen her around before.