Lovers

Ch. 22: lovely

lovely- Billie Ellish & Khalid

"Thought I found a way. Thought I found a way, yeah. But you never go away. So I guess I gotta stay now. Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here. Even if it takes all night or a hundred years. Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near. Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear. Isn't it lovely, all alone? Heart made of glass, my mind of stone. Tear me to pieces, skin to bone. Hello, welcome home. Walkin' out of town. Lookin' for a better place. Something's on my mind. Always in my head space."

A/N: Warning. This chapter deals with depression, relapsing, anxiety, and suicide. Read to your own comfort. Please remember that this purely fiction. Again, if you are unable to read, pls message me privately, and I will happily summarize this chapter .

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Jake POV

My first extinct is to throw a fist at the nearest wall or at someone's face. This is where I bury my feelings and let the anger build until I no longer exist in my body. I stare from the window as my body concave within itself, and I essentially blackout. And I don't stop. I let my site zero in on the nearest thing that I can get my hands on and break.

I continue to pace back and forth in my bedroom; my feet beginning to cramp from the wooden floor. I don't know how long I've been standing.

I don't know exactly what is going on, but I stand in the middle of my room before turning to one empty wall and start at it. It's calling my name. Make one hole, make one fucking hole, and that's it. If I had nails, my palms would be screaming. Instead, they let me feel every amount of pressure I push into. Let me fall.

Dr. Ross's voice comes to me in echos. Decipher what you feel. You're not angry. Yes, I fucking am. I raise my fist, and right before my knuckles reach the white marble wall, I stop, closing my eyes and letting my neck fall. My neck strains to fall further, but with the bit of strength I have left, I let myself shake, letting my fingers lose the grasp that had formed from a fist. The pain rolls on to me like a blanket, and I make myself submit. Dawn lied to me. She knew there was no chance for us to get back together, and yet she toyed with my emotions.

How else was she to fix you? She wants you to become a better man. I can be, and maybe, maybe we could— "No! No!" I shake, Alice, Andrew, Casper. My three deadly sins. The people that I must protect, and I cannot cross that line. How could I allow myself with such a fantasy? This isn't for Dawn. She's an equation you can never solve, but Alice has been my constant anchor, and if I let her down again, I'll lose the person that saved me from myself more times than I've slept in a year.

This is reality. I can't get what I want, nor can I control my emotions. Let myself drown in my agony for others to live because I'd rather die every day than let everyone around me suffer my mistakes. My life is an equation that will never make sense, and Dawn's not my solution. I would go in circles, trying every which way to find an answer for us to be together. And deep down, buried behind my self-hatred, I'll never let go of her. Even as I preach it now, there's a part of me that will not let go of her. I tried living without her. It didn't work. I tried to be around her, and look where that got me.

End this pain and suffering. It would be easier if I let myself drift to the inevitable. My mind is rushing to many ideas I can't decipher. Which one is mine, or which one is the depression that goads me to my doom? I need to say goodbye. Write a letter to Alice and call Dawn. This is what I must do. I shake my head, relaxing my mind to cooperate with the rest of my body. Relax. Let yourself give your mind the closure you need before you go. Don't let yourself think much about or you won't do it. This is the only way to go. My shakey fingers dial her number, and she answers the second ring.