What is Life?

☀︎ ︎Volleyball - Serving ☀︎︎

I'm on the girls volleyball team, I would join the boys one but idk how that would go so I just went on the girls one. When I first started I came the next day tryouts and guess what, I was the only person that was new to the tryouts on that day for tryouts, so I was pretty embarrassed, especially by my appearance since I was only one who wore long pants.

But, throughout the month I've been in volleyball, it is really fun. I haven't talked to much girls to play with a volleyball when we're on break. But, there's always this one girl that partners up with me even if I go to get a ball from the basket to practice on my own. She usually says even if I get a ball from the basket, "Come on lets go practice at the wall", or, "I got a ball do you want to pepper or do pass/set/hit?" Her name was Amaya, and to be honest, I was never really good with names, so when I was team captain, I would just point to the players or ask someone that I might know that name that is on my team I picked for that person name. I mostly ask for their name then say it so I don't look stupid for not knowing her name. But what can I say? I'm anti-socially awkward. But usually when me and Amaya practice pass/set/hitting or receiving, we go all out like I mean we don't make the ball touch the ground at all. If I can remember, we got to like 56 receives without making it touch the ground. And when I did touch the ground we were both laughing or asses off. So all I can say volleyball is really fun for me.
But it didn't last long when I started to do setting. For me, I was a good at setting but I've never been good at setting to people. Well in my opinion I'm not good at setting to people, my coaches both say that I'm really good at it I just need more practice. To be honest, I've never told anyone but one person about this what I'm about to say but, I wanted to quit the team.

Yes yes, you may be asking why I wanted to, and my voice in my head is asking me, too. But the reason why I wanted to quit is because of not wanting to be injured or anything like that, it's because I lost my confidence in the sport especially with my serving. But mostly with my other things I was good at.

(Trigger warning: Slight aggression, aggressive thoughts, and small bit of anxiety ig)

Let's first talk about with my serving. I was a really good server especially if it wasn't a jump/float serve. But my serving was powerful to the point where I scored more than 5 points for my team. But all that changed when we were separated into our teams for separate practice for the first time. For the first thing in the separate practice, we did setting which I was ok at. After that, we did a small practice game where there are 5 players on the court and they picked me as the setter so I just stayed in the setting spot, and the rest of the other players would be serving the ball over the next from the other side then when we rotate they come in. It was going ok, my setting was a little off and I would catch the coaches staring at me a couple of times. And since I was in this position to practice in, I wanted to do my best in it, but it was hard since this was my first time doing it. So I got really mad at myself every time I couldn't set it right or if I set it on the other side. But since I'm that kind of person, I didn't show that I was upset or frustrated, I always smiled and looked happy to the point I was actually struggling inside. When we switched setters I was relieved when they switch, meaning that next spot I was in was in the back, also meaning it was my turn to serve. When I went to go serve, my serve seem to not come over the net a few times but maybe 5. So after that, we played a little more and rotated a lot. The serve was played by someone else I think Amaya, and the spot I was in was front middle. This was the last serve we had to play before we went home. And right at that time I was feeling very irritated and angsty because I wasn't either receiving the ball right or I never got to touch the ball at all. So on this last serve I was happy it was coming my way but then it was actually going to the corner to another person so I just watched the ball. That was the biggest mistake I made in my life was turning around to see the ball since we have to see where it is. The person who was supposed to receive it to target didn't receive it right meaning they received with their hands instead of forearms. And that ball went somewhere else other than to target, it went straight to my face. It hurt a little but then my thoughts started to flood in saying, "OMG why did you get in the way, that was so stupid", "This is why you'll never be a good receiver", "YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE DAMN WAY WHY CANT YOU JUST MOVE, AND THE BALL WOULD'VE WENT TO TARGET!" "Hey ____, are you ok?" "Omg is your face ok, your eyes?" This is what I hear from my teammates said. I say mhm and try and walk away taking off my glasses. But then, I feel one tear drop, then another and another, until there was a waterfall of tears coming from my eyes. I wanted to go and get my stuff and wipe my face on my hoodie so it looked like I was wiping sweat off my face instead of tears. But then my coach came over she told us let's talk in the hallway. When I got in the hallway, that's when I started to let loose since I was with my coach. My eyes hurt like hell and I didn't want to be seen by anyone, but it was hard because even though usually the boy's soccer team was in the hallway, they weren't. But it felt like someone was watching me and made me so uncomfortable to the point where I bent down to a crouching position and hid my face. My volleyball coach came out the athletics helper's office and came up to me. She asked me to stand up and what was on my mind. For me, I'm not so good at talking while I'm crying so I would get it if she couldn't understand me. But I managed to tell her I was a little upset about my setting and serving. She said I must be frustrated by all this, but it's really not that easy to say. I'm not frustrated or anything. I couldn't think of the right word but I wasn't feeling myself. And especially getting a ball to the head? Yeah, thinking over the situation would just probably make my head explode at this point. So we left the hallway after I calmed down a bit I guess, and went to get my stuff in the gym. Thankfully, there was nobody in the gym to ask if I was ok or something like that. I hated it when people asked if I was ok while crying my eyes out and witnessing it in front of them. If they saw me cry like when I was bullied in school and went to the bathroom, they would feel horrified by how I cry. My cry? Idk if I should describe how I cry, but it sounds like a small baby when they cry but you can't figure out what they want and they cry for minutes. But think of that and my older voice. My voice is deep even if I was born a girl. But anyways, after I got my stuff I went out to go to my moms car so we could go home. When me and my coach were both walking to the car, some of the girl's on my team saw me  and asked if I was ok. "Listen ____, they probably don't actually care and they might feel bad on the inside. But then again, they could be also laughing on the inside by you crying from a ball to the face. And who wouldn't laugh at you? You always been a dumb and annoying person to laugh and make fun of. No wonder you have no friends. Just go back to being anti-social, you tall annoying freak." I smiled and looked up to them. "Mhm!" I said to them as I quickly turned away. I heard them whispered about me, I wasn't sure of what they said, but I didn't care. When I got to my mom's car, the coach said to me I had a hit to the head and I started to cry for frustration. I know from my mom that I didn't cry because I was frustrated. She also made me remember four numbers before next practice, so they know I don't have a concussion. When me and my mom left the volleyball practice, I told her what happened and she could see through me that I was angsty for not getting the ball. And when it did come to me, it hit me right to the face. So we went to the store and got what I wanted as a little feel better gift. We went to dollar tree since it was less money to spend and she had to buy some pads from there anyways.

(Another warning: Body shame)

When I was looking around the store to find something I wanted, I then remembered I was in some shorts. I wasn't uncomfortable wearing shorts, but not out in the open like stores or anything like that. I felt like I was being watched by someone in the store even though me and my mom where literally the only ones in the store since it was night time. My legs were long so my shorts were to my thighs. And since everyone says I have an hour glass figure, my shorts squeezed my leg which would for some boys likings. People say I shouldn't say my body is ugly and it's just right, but right now I don't feel comfy wearing shorts even if it's a warm day. I had small darker spots on my skin since I use to pick scabs off my skin. I somewhat stopped my habit of picking, but I feel ugly. Like, if I eat a meal and I feel full, I feel like I gained a few pounds. And I can't go a few hours without eating or I'll flip. So I try to eat soft foods like ramen or small sweets and vegetables. But since I felt sad that day, I might as well make myself look and feel fat since I probably am and people are lying I have a slim body.
I finally got the cheese-itz I wanted which was white cheddar, then went to get a candy for my siblings.

It soon came the next week since the day I cried was Friday. I went to practice feeling normal and pretending nothing happened on Friday. After I did my stretches in the beginning when everyone was coming to volleyball, I went to go practice on my serving with the other girls. But when I served my first ball, it didn't go over the net. Usually when I served back then, I didn't have a problem and I would usually get 3 or 5 over the net before I lost my streak. But now, for some reason it wasn't going over. I tried over and over again until it went over, but it never did. I was getting a little frustrated on why it wasn't working. So I stopped serving for a bit and started to watch how the other girls on how they served. I watched one of the girls but the name Mariah as she served. She was still having a little trouble on her serving so I helped her out on the formation and the stance on how to hit the ball over the net. For her since she had more strength then me. She get it over the next but it was out of bounds. I chuckled a bit at how she did it, and patted her back and told her to keep trying. She told me one day I'll get a good serve in. And laughed a bit and said sure. I left to go receive with the volleyball in my hand since I wasn't able to serve. Was my serving off since of what happened last week or am I just having a off day. I sat down on the ground and set the ball while thinking a bit. I don't think it because of last week. I'll be fine it's probably just only today. "Yeah just only today. What happens if you can't serve the whole week. Then you'll be so usually on the team for sure." Idk but my thoughts always think the opposite of me. It will work for sure later in practice days this week. I just know for sure. After hearing my coach call for the team, I knew it was receiving practice.
The next day at practice we played queen of the court for a bit. How the game works is that on one aide of the courts is queen which is 3 people then on the other side is the 6 people who are technically called the peasants. It will be like a regular volleyball game but just 6 vs. 3 people. And when the side of the 6 people score, the front row of 6 move up the the queen spot then the former queens go and get ready to serve. If the queens score on the peasants side then the back row of peasants go to serve. If the peasant score on themselves, depending on which row it is they go to serve. If you still don't understand here is a video on it:

My serving was a complete mess every time I served, so it was to the point where I stop serving and let my other teammates serve.

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That's all I have for my serving. There might be a part 2 on my serving, but I wanted to post this and not keep it waiting for my fellow readers. 

How you enjoy the chapter! 💁🏾‍♀️☕