Not Alone

Letting Go

I am told to forgive myself, let go of all the things I've done to me. But how can I? How can I forgive myself for degrading me, for using me, for breaking me.

I wish I was better, I wish I did not do it. I wish I could go back in time, said no instead of yes, had stood my ground and not been a pushover. Why is living so difficult? Why can't we erase our mistakes, I really am sick of it all.

Why can't we pour white paint over our black past? Why can't the fear of being found out be far away from us? Why do we have people who prey on the innocent, the naive, the weak and the foolish? Why is it so hard to let go of the pain, suffering, disgust and hate that clings to us? Why can't we all develop selective memories allowing us to choose what we can remember? Why were we so stupid?

I know making mistakes is part of life, a compulsory learning process but I wish it could be skipped. What happens when you make a mistake so great; so painful? Something life changing, that alters the way you and others see yourself?

Is it so easy to forget, to let go, to forgive all the wrongdoings you committed against your own person? This is not something you did to someone else that you might not see everyday. This is something you did to yourself, you betrayed the person that stood by you when others did not, the person that went through life with you; your joy and sorrow, ups and downs, failures and success. The person that was always with you through thick and thin, how do you forgive yourself?

The answer to this question I search for everyday, wondering if I'll ever find it and at last I did. I found my answer in Jesus Christ who also stood by me through everything and loves me unconditionally.

Love, Tolu.