My Whatever Book

I just wanted to type

2:32 mon Oct 25

I just wanted to type I've been doing some bad things but I like the sting I like watching the red come out I only did it a little but I'm worried I'll start doing it a lot again I'm rebounding this hole quarantine thing has not been doing me any favors what so ever it making me go crazy I don't feel as I usually I just feel lighter I usually feel heavier and down to earth now I feel light and floaty I feel like a sack of air I've been reading the divergent series as of late I'm on the third book mom's gonna but me the extra book about four sometime this week on amazon I'm excited it's an okay series I mean I don't get the feels it's very dull and filled with raw emotion I mean maybe I'm just not in an emotional mood or something I just don't feel anything when I read them I like the story and all and the characters but I just don't feel an emotion from it I feel blank and empty I just feel light and empty which is different from my usual heavy and blank maybe it's because I'm not at school and I'm locked up in my room all by myself without kittens I miss them they gave me life and smiles and emotions they gave me air and I don't know but they made me feel better they made me feel something other than nothing I wonder if everyone has periods were they feel indifferent they feel empty like a black wall clouds there emotions like nothing a blank page I wonder if I'm not alone I want to desperately know but I don't know how I'm supposed to ask or if I'm supposed to wait until someone tells me themselves I like feeling the stings every few minutes it gives me something to feel even if it feels odd it feels familiar and I can recognize the feeling unlike the blankness where I don't know what causes it or why it is so it just is there I want to feel something anything and it's driving me bonkers I'm lonely I used to imagine that someone would follow me everywhere and they'd talk to me and be nice and hold no judgements they'd stay in the bathroom with me while I take a shower and look out and make sure that nobody comes in I used to imagine that I lived with my best friend and we'd do everything together and we'd never separate that they'd sunggle with me on our bed where we shared everything and we liked what each other liked and we'd have an inside joke we'd be each other's wholes we'd have each other forever and no one could do what HE did to me without them beating them up and protecting me and saving me I used to always pretend all kinds of things but now I can't it's like I lost my buddy I lost my hope my dreams my indiviality my dreams the things I want there all gone now I don't know where they went I used to imagine that I had a person who was interested in my it'd give me chills or I guess butterflies it'd giving me feelings that I liked and I wanted more of I loved watching romance shows itd give me the same feelings and I'd loved it but now I can't they'd used to give me ideas to make up my own situations and I had I wanted to one day right a book with all the sappy feelings I wanted a awesome love story that was flowery and merry I can't even make up anything like i used  to be able to I tried last night but it didn't work I don't know why I wish I did so I could figure out how to make it come back I feel indifferent I feel like a straight line I just feel so bland and uncolored like a solid motion that never changes a constant number that repeats and repeats even when charlie died I felt nothing at all I didn't feel sad or feel like crying I just felt nothing he was supposed to be my dog that loved me unconditionally and I loved him but why didn't I feel sad when he died I don't understand I'm just so sick and tired of the same feeling I want something else I need something else I think I have 11 more days or so in quarantine it's much to long of a time to continue like this I want something else I want excitement I want happiness I want anger I want irration anything greed envy pride hate love pain grief just anything so I know that I'm human I want to feel human again I don't like it I need to feel other than blankness I need peace or clarity I need answers I just need something