our own complexity

VII

     Two days later, I was sitting in the kitchen doing schoolwork when my mom came in from work.

     "You're early," I said. Ever since we had the fight, I've been trying my hardest to go back to some sense of normality. To no avail by the way.

     "I asked to have a half-day off. I've been meeting with your teachers since my lunch hour." She explained matter-of-factly as she was putting her bag down on the couch.

     "Oh," I said, going back to writing math. Another failed attempt.

     "Your English teacher told me about the internship." She added. "She's helping you?"

     "I mean I don't know anymore?" I said confused. I had talked to Mrs. Lawrence about me not being able to help Julian anymore, but she didn't say anything about still helping me. I just assumed she wouldn't. "I guess so, if she said that to you."

     "Why didn't you tell me about the internship?" She walked into the kitchen and stood in front of me, across the counter. I couldn't make up her expression. It was hard and so far away.

     "I didn't want to give you another thing to think about. You're stressed enough as it is." I explained but I didn't stop doing my work. She stayed silent for a moment.

     "She also told me about this boy. Julian? A classmate of yours." I finally raised my eyes and looked at her.

    "What about him?"

     "You're helping him." She said.

     "Correction. I was."

     "Why did you stop? Because you're grounded? You know you could perfectly tell me about what you're doing and I'd let you help him. I'm not an asshole." She crossed her arms. Maybe I didn't need to lie to her as much as I thought.

     "You're not an asshole," I assured her.

     "Then why are you not helping him anymore?"

     "I don't want to," I said without thinking and I went back to my homework. She went silent for a moment again.

    "Was he at that party?"

     "Yes," I admitted tired of lying. She nodded and walked out.

     This wasn't a moment when I figured out something I was trying to deny. I knew I didn't want to "help" Julian anymore, and I figured out the fact that I got in trouble was the best excuse to use.

     In the same way, I hid the fact that my dad wanted me to move in with him from my mom just because it felt nice that he was finally talking to me. That may be for a little bit as long as I could let it happen, he could be in my life and I wouldn't feel that alone. And I wouldn't lose my mom in the process. I could have both my parents. In the same way, I lied to both my parents as a reflex, I chose to neglect Julian. Not because I was an asshole, but because I didn't want to be near him. The kiss might've not been anything special to him because he had probably kissed a lot of girls before and even had better kisses, but I knew myself, and I knew that if I was capable of sneaking out of my house to go to a party "just for the money", I could also start liking the boy who threw the party. I knew it in the way I had stayed up late thinking about it. About the boy. For what? A kiss? I couldn't let myself fall for Julian Dorian because he was everything I didn't want. Everything I wanted to avoid. Complicated, smug, and a complete jackass. I wanted a boy that I could introduce to my parents. A boy with a kind smile and words. Someone I could depend on.

     I had too much going on to walk around with a broken heart.

     So there I was, putting in jeopardy another person's future for my own interest. I realized I was selfish. I wasn't exactly helping him, but teachers would think he wasn't trying anymore. And it'd be my fault.

     Whatever. He can figure it out.