our own complexity

XIV

     I woke up around five hours later from a nightmare about falling planes, ghosts, and empty funerals. It was very early in the morning, the sun hadn't come out yet, the house was quiet and my chest felt like it was being crushed by a whole house. I rolled and sat at the edge of my bed and then stayed quiet for a couple of seconds. My whole face felt puffy and strange, and I figured it had been from the ugly-crying session I had just hours before. My body felt drained. Then, suddenly, I stood up with a mission in mind.

     I was still in my, now wrinkled, school uniform and I threw a black puffer jacket on and then opened my window slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. I started shivering once I crossed over, suddenly outside victim to the bleak wind of March. Then I walked.

     I knew my hometown pretty well and I had been to Polly's house a considerable number of times. Enough for me to know which streets to take and which scary alleys to avoid. It was still a tad bit scary, but my blood was pounding so hard in my veins and it felt like my whole body was humming. My legs had long lost feeling due to the cool ambient and I was in a trance-like state in which all I could do was think and everything kept moving on its own.

     It had been probably 40 minutes of walking when I arrived at my destination. A decent-sized two-story house. Obviously bigger than mine, but not bigger than Julian's.

I have to stop thinking about Julian.

     There was a green iron fence protecting the house from the outside world. It had a line of razor wire facing on top just to ensure that no one crossed the iron fence. Like the cherry on the icing. It was a pretty stupid idea at the time, and I probably would've been able to find a different way to cross over but I was so filled with a sense of purpose and felt like nothing could stop me. It took one look at the fence for me to start trying to climb it, and it took at least 10 minutes of struggling and slipping for me to finally reach the top full of spirals and razors. I tried to avoid the razors as much as I could but I could feel the cuts going through my skin. They didn't stop me, and when I was on the other side, I jumped into the grown and landed on my back. Air was knocked out of my chest and my lungs felt like fire. With the strength I had left, I stood up and took dragged my legs to walk on.

     I stopped in front of a familiar window. Purple curtains drawn shut from the inside. I took a big breath and raised my hand into a fist, knocked. There was a pause of a couple of seconds, in which I wondered if it had been a good idea to come after all because maybe things could end up even worse and I knew I would've been able to be strong enough if they did. But then, quickly and unexpectedly, the curtains were drawn open and Polly was trying to look outside but instead, her dark eyes got stuck in me. She widened them and quickly opened the window.

     "What are you doing here?" She asked and then tried pulling me inside. "Come in."

     In her, I found the strength needed to land in her room. At that moment, feeling the warmth of her room, I realized my teeth were clattering and my whole body burned like fire. Polly closed the window and turned on her lights, taking a moment to take me in with her eyes. Her room felt like a second home.

     "I'm waking my mom up," she said. "You're bleeding and look like you're going to collapse from hypothermia right here and now."

     I wanted to tell her to not call her mom, that I'd get in trouble. I opened my mouth, but the words got stuck in my throat and only a choking sound came out. Polly was already walking out of her room, her slippers making soft echoes in the hallway. Less than a minute later, Polly's mom was coming in the room, gray sleeping gown on and barefoot, with Polly only steps behind her. They both looked at me like I was crazy. I wanted to cry again.