Sometimes After

Chapter Twelve - What I Left Behind

With Amelia's help, I manage to get to Aunt Lisa's and into my room without her noticing. After plying me with painkillers, she left without saying another word. I couldn't tell if she was being kind or if she felt sorry for me. Maybe both.

What am I going to say tomorrow?

What am I going to do tomorrow?

I stare up at the yellow ceiling, focusing on the harsh incandescent light. It glows brighter and whiter, until it's all I can see. Outside, I hear chirping; the sound of the woods coming alive at night. It's almost ringing in my ear, a deep and resonating sound that fills my brain with white noise. Can I even get up?

The pain's mostly gone now—or maybe that's just me succumbing to the numbness. It sounds tempting; not being able to feel anything. Not needing to think about anything. Everything just becomes white noise.

It's always that feeling that comes at the early hours of the morning: everything's moving forward but me.

Frankie and the others...they're probably out having fun, making the most of what life gives them. Good for them. It's the cards that life has dealt them; they got a good hand and I got a bad one. I'm not holding it against them. I just wish I was there with them.

My fingers reach for my phone, but then I remember I destroyed it. Still, they remain outstretched. What am I reaching for? Maybe a second chance, maybe to take back my decisions, maybe for their company.

I sigh.

Frankie always said I was good at pity parties. Maybe that's all this is; maybe I really am just being whiny. If Jane were here, she'd ask me why I was being angry at myself, and not at Marlo. Miles would try to cook something up to cheer us all up, and Ryan would be offering a "herbal" remedy.

My head spins, so I shut my eyes. Maybe it's time to open their gifts. They're all laid out on my desk, anyway, just waiting for me to open them. Truth is, they've been there the moment I got here. I just didn't want to open them because it would really mean that I had left.

Still, something in me told me it was time. Despite my body protesting, I force myself to get up and walk to my desk. Four presents, four treasures. Strange. My heart isn't pounding. My legs don't feel weak.

I pick up Ryan's gift first, the obvious bong. Wrapped shoddily, it's a miracle this thing isn't broken. After I finish unwrapping it, I see that it's Ryan's favorite—a crystalline bong that I remember he was so happy that he got on eBay. I smile bitterly to myself. He knows I don't do drugs. As I turn the bong around, feeling the sharp edges on my hand, my eyes start to mist.

Miles' present is a small box, and true to Miles' personality, he didn't even bother to wrap it. My hands shake as I pick it up, pausing for a moment before opening it. It's a hemp necklace, with a single "shark tooth." In spite of myself, I laugh as I put it on, barely noticing how my arms ache as I fasten it at the back. I've always wanted one of these, I was just too self-conscious to start wearing one out of nowhere. Fuck it.

My eyes are drawn to Jane's gift, a medium-sized box that's wrapped and packaged to perfection. There's even a red bow holding the thing together. Of course Jane went all out. As carefully as I could, I remove the bow and open the top. I pull out what's inside, and a smile spreads slowly across my face. It's an "ugly" Christmas sweater—with Pokémon designs. There's a small note attached: "I know you hate the cold, so I thought you'd like this," Jane's written in her elegant cursive.

I smile to myself, but the tears are threatening to fall now. My mouth feels dry; there's a ringing in my ear.

Frankie's is the smallest out of all of the gifts—a thumb drive wrapped in a small brown box. There's no note or anything.