Rules to Feeling Lonely

Chapter 57

Back to present

I had been waiting for five hours outside his room, that's not counting the two hours I spend explaining everything to the police. The waiting was unbearable and I really felt like I was starting to lose my mind. How could we let this happen...

The doctor had already come out and I remember him telling us that the knife had completely missed any vital organs, meaning that he would be fine. He had woken up about an hour ago and Jacob was in there with him right now but I couldn't bring myself to go in. This was all my fault and let's not forget that his whole world just got turned upside down...

Speaking about that, Nathan had gotten away... We don't know how he even managed to get away but he did and the police was out there searching for him. Rachel hadn't made a move to run and I knew she was being questioned right now but I honestly couldn't care less about that right now.

My eyes focused back on my surroundings as I noticed Jacob stepping out of the room and I was on my feet in no time "How is he?"

"He'll be alright", he answered with a sad smile "He wants to see you Ella"

I looked at him weirdly, confused by his words. Why would he want to see me?

"He asked for you", he repeated and softly led me in to the room by my shoulders. My breathing stopped shortly as I saw him laying there. One leg up with a cast tightly wrapped around it, scratches and bruised on his face and a dull expression I wanted desperately to disappear.

"You lied to me", his words made me quickly come back. He didn't even look at me as he spoke and my eyes already started to fill with tears.

"I just", I whimpered and deeply exhaled, recomposing myself "I didn't want you hurt, I just couldn't"

"You're free to do whatever you want, Ella" I just stood there with wide eyes as he called me by my name. It felt so distant and I hated it. Just like that the stone around his heart was back. What made it even worse, was that this time it was all real. I couldn't lose him, not like this. Not because of Nathan.

"I'm sorry Daniel, I was going to tell you it just wasn't the right time", I tried again but got nothing other than silence. That's it... I don't care if he yells at me or even hurts me but I can't bare his silence.

"You don't understand, do you?" I spoke loud and walked over until I stood next to his bed. I understood he hates me for keeping this from him but does he really think I did this to hurt him? Does he even know how it felt to be put in that position?

"I understand it all very clearly Clark", he spoke, his voice void of emotion as he still kept his eyes everywhere but me.

"NO, you don't", I said and I noticed his fists slowly ball up. I took a deep breath as I desperately blinked away my tears, trying to calm my erratically beating heart because off what I was about to say. Of what I was finally about to say.

"I didn't say anything because I love you" no words came from him as his expression stayed cold and it absolutely broke my heart. I knew me saying that didn't mean nothing to him and I knew exactly how I could find out.

"Look at me" I don't know where the anger kept coming from, pretty sure I didn't even have the right to be angry at him, but there was something about me finally admitting it that made me go off.

His eyes finally came up to meet mine and the amount of emotions spiraling in them had me going soft in an instant. As always his eyes held so much power over me as they seemed to blur everything around us, leaving nothing but us and a wilding storm of emotions.

"Do you care for me?" I asked softly, clearly catching him off guard as his earlier façade instantly fell. I know he does, even when he doesn't like to admit it right now.

"Do you?" I almost begged as I desperately gripped the side of his bed.

"Of course I do", he spoke silently, his eyes back strictly focused on his feet "Then please tell me what's gonna happen to us because I can't keep doing this after all we just went through"

His eyes suddenly looked far from angry. They showed me nothing but hurt and vulnerability, I wanted nothing more than to see that blinding spark there again.

"What do you want me to say?" he sounded so uncertain as he nervously played with his fingers.

"I want you to tell me for once how you really truly feel, to let me in completely just for once", I slowly reached for him and softly sighed in relieve when he didn't pull back as I rested my hand on his cheek.

"I..."

Nothing...

"I..."

Nothing again...

He sighed and I softly dropped my hand from his face. The room went quiet and I felt my heart ache like crazy.

"Just forget it", I knew it was stupid to expect an answer from him after everything that just went down... I quickly straightened back up and gave him a sad smile before turning my back to him. I knew I was crying again and didn't even try to stop the tears from falling down. How could I expect him to tell me the truth when I didn't....

I started walking towards the door but stopped in my tracks as his voice suddenly sounded loudly through the room "I love you, okay?"

I slowly turned around again, feeling as if I could fall apart at any moment.

"And it fucking scares me", he added and I felt my lips slowly tremble as I took small steps closer again "Loving me scares you?"

"No", his hand reached out for me and I waisted no time taking it as he slowly pulled me to sit next to him on the bed. He exhaled loudly as his face dropped, looking down.

"You loving me scares me", his words came out like nothing more than a whisper as his grip on my hand slightly tightened "I'm scared that once I let you settle in my heart, I'll never be able to get you out"

I gently lifted his hand and placed it on my heart, his eyes quickly coming up to meet mine again. I really love him, more than anything.

"For me you're already stuck in there" for a few seconds, we both sat there in absolute silence, staring at each other. I watched him, my eyes not even blinking as if they were scared he would just disappear. He truly was captivating. Not just because of his looks, it was just everything about him that made me drown deeper and deeper until there wasn't even a point to swim up again. I wasn't even sure I ever wanted to.

"I love you Clark", he spoke softly and I responded so quickly, as if we had spoken those words to each other a million times "I love you Daniel" And I never in my life meant anything more...

This time his hand came up to my cheek, slowly pushing away some hair from my face.

"I just need some time to work this out", I softly nodded my head as he spoke "I know"

"I'm not saying I don't want this anymore because I do, I just-"

"I understand Daniel. No matter what we are, I'll always be there for you", I interrupted him and both of us sadly smiled at each other. I knew he needed time, I had to give him that...

"Thanks Clark", I gave him a nod as I didn't trust my voice before I slowly leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

I quickly pulled myself back and took a few steps back as his eyes followed my every movement.

"Visit me tomorrow?" he asked, his eyes begging me and I knew I couldn't say no, even if I wanted to.

"I will", I answered before I pushed myself to leave the room.

He loves me...

I can't even describe what him finally saying those words meant to me.

The door closing behind me finally made me realise the final part as well.

Even though the worst didn't get said, it really did feel like we just broke up...

For real this time