Perpetual Heart

Chapter Thirty-three

XiaoBai

Death is inevitable whether you're immortal or mortal it will find you, it is said that you feel it when your time to go is near and that it's the most peaceful thing to feel.

I can feel it, I am dying and not even the stopping of time can slow it down but I fear for the love of my life. What kind of life would he live without me? Would he be happy? Would he meet someone new who could love him better than me? Love him better than I do?

Although it's impossible for anyone to love him as much I love him, I would hope that someone would hold his hand on the hardest days of his life.

Knowing that you're dying and feeling that you're dying are two different things,
Knowing that you might die makes you look at your life and all the choices you have made and all the things that you wanted to do, and all the things you did and it makes you wonder whether is this everything you wanted from your life.

Feeling that you are dying makes you want to spend time and cherish the people that you love, telling them everything that you wouldn't say on a normal day, or things that you would keep for only your heart to remember. You look at the through new eyes and as much as it hurts you picture their world without you, it makes you feel closer to them more than anything and even though you feel that you're dying you don't feel afraid.

I have wasted all of my love to Dijiun and I am satisfied with that, I have loved an amazing soul and people will never get to see the beautiful parts of Dijiun, they will never see everything that hurts within him and they will never know that he loves genuinely and intensely. Majestic as he is, he is childish as a toddler there isn't anything that I don't love about him, one thing I have learned about him is that he never sleeps at night he watches over me to keep me safe.

I feel safe when I am with him even when I am in danger I feel safe, just like how safe I feel with falling in love with him. I dedicated my whole life into loving him but at the same time I am going to leave his side, will he ever forgive me for that? Will he feel that I abandoned him? If I die there is no way of coming back I will always be by his side forever, isn't that better than nothing? I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid that he might forget me.

I woke up to the phoenix birds chirping happily but there was no sign of Dijiun, I looked around the Purple Sea but he wasn't there.
I frowned it was unlike him not to say where he went but I hoped that he was okay, after a few seconds Yuka appeared with a gentle smile on his face. "Greetings XiaoJiu." He said softly and I bowed my head and beamed at him. "Where is my husband?" He frowned but then he smoothed his face quickly. " He is in heaven, didn't you say you wanted to get married today?" I beamed at him again and he laughed. "XiaoJiu, I have a favour to ask you." There was a serious tone in his voice and I knew that what he was about to ask me, was something that I wasn't going to be able to keep. "Don't leave him just yet." There was tears in his eyes. "I shouldn't tell you this but he barely slept yesterday he was pacing about the whole night, he is afraid that he will lose you and he may deny it but I know that he can feel that you're dying, if he loses you the pain will swallow him up." I felt a lump rise on my throat, I tried smiling but my smile got stuck on my face. "Don't you think I know that? It will completely destroy but I can no longer fight harder than I have, do you think that I want to leave him? My whole life revolves around him, he is the center core that connects everything within me, he is my gravity, my life source but this time not even he can save me. I would say that erase his memories when I am gone but even I know that would be useless, I am not afraid for myself but I am afraid for him." I whispered softly. "That's why I want to marry him today, I want to give him a forever with whatever days that I have and it would be great if it was enough time for me to give him a child, more than anything I want to have a child for him, our forever started a long time ago but I want to give him a forever that will always have my heart engraved on it." I sighed softly. "Please take care of him for me." Just then my lover appeared, he eyed me and then Yuka. " Why do the both of you look so miserable?" He asked and I ran to him and I put my arms around him. "My love." I felt the tears spill over soaking his robe, he put his arms around me and he held me tightly. "I don't want to leave." I whispered softly. "I don't want you to go and you won't." He whispered softly, I pulled away from him and I looked at him. "What do you mean?" He wiped my tears even though there was tears in his, he released a shuddering breath. "I wouldn't give up on you without trying, there isn't a thing I wouldn't try to keep you alive." He whispered softly and suddenly I felt scared. "What did you do?" I whispered and he smiled. "What I had too." He answered me gently. "Don't ask me about this now, but rather go to Qingqiu and get ready for our wedding." At hearing the words wedding I jumped up happily and I kissed him. "Go, your parents are waiting." I kissed him a little bit longer and then I went to Qingqiu.