The Wondering Mind

Its Hard

It's hard some days when you trip over yourself, when you forget how to breathe.

It's hard on those weeks we're everything is too much and your hope is running thin.

it's hard when you want the answers to questions and no-one has them.

It's hard when you're so afraid to trip over yourself and injure you or take someone down with you.

It's hard to protect the ones you love especially from yourself.

It's hard when I want so bad to speak, to scream to do something but sink.

It's hard when your so tired and sleep never helps

It's hard to fight and feel alone in battle even when you're surrounded by souls who try.

Sometimes its hard to fight at all 

It's hard sometimes to see to hear to control my body when it no longer sees me as its owner

it's hard when  your body the one thing that you should be able to control if nothing else decides it's no longer yours to control

It's hard to like yourself sometimes when your body itself rejects you so fiercely your stuck in a fight with it

It's hard sometimes to get out of bed and go about your daily routine and keep a plastered smile in place

It's hard to say these things knowing it'll worry people you care for when that's the last thing you want.

Anxiety is hard, seizures are hard mental illnesses are hard in general 

It's harder when depression comes knocking on your door persistent as a worried friend that will not go away when you yell to be left alone

It's hard dealing with something you don't know the cause or the fix for

It's hard listening to a thousand irritating questions put on repeat everyday

It's hard not knowing what to do

It's hard to sleep most nights and most days its hard to eat

It's hard to smile and say "I'm fine" when all you want say is I'm broken and I'm tired of fighting the same battles everyday that I keep losing

It's hard to say that somedays I feel it and most days I'm numb to it

It's hard to fight a champion who has yet to lose and its even harder when its you against yourself

It's hard to say this is all I feel when I know its not but its all I've got the guts and words to put down on "Paper"

It's hard sometimes to live a lie you yourself stopped believing a long time ago

It's hard to say this out loud knowing what it'll do to the hearts I love

It's hard when I push people away for very few reasons other than being afraid of them getting to close

It's hard when my unjustifiable anger swells through me and bubbles up like hot oil that's been boiling so long it could fry cement and it will not tell me the purpose of its un summoned presence in me. 

I did not ask for this I did not want this (I doubt anyone ever does) but I cannot shake it no matter how hard I try

I would not wish this on anyone not even my worst enemy

The insecurities festering in the back of my mind like parasites telling me things i've known for awhile but some how tell me these stories in new ways to keep themselves planted under my skin

I'm hard to love because of this. I know I am. I'm hard to love and accept for a lot of reasons.but even though I fail I still try.

I believe the lie my mind yells and i'm not sure why. 

I've lied to myself more time than I could count but yet I still believe everything I tell me.

It's hard sometimes having a mind that Is at war with invisible monsters all the time.

It's hard accepting this.

It's hard to know that you have to push on because if you don't the outcome is worse.

It's hard on the mind, body, and my heart

But i've never been one who just gives up and even on the hardest days I keep going

 Sometimes I need a break but you can't run from your own mind it's just not possible.

It's hard to say my ramble is finished but like I said above this is all I have the words and guts to write.

It's just so hard sometimes