𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗚𝗼 𝗢𝗳 𝗠𝘆 𝗛𝗮𝗻𝗱 🤍

•𝗔 𝗟𝗼𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗚𝗮𝗺𝗲•

•☁️•

Nikki's POV

Tommy had left for Vince's about an two hours ago and at the given moment I was laying on the bed in our room coming down from a high.

Mentally I was actually pretty good today, I wasn't hating myself as much but for some reason I was just angry.

At what I had no idea, it was probably just the drugs I knew that but I obviously didn't want to admit that so I blamed Tommy and the age old excuse of Heather although he has so far kept his word and not gone out with her since our last argument. He's spoken to her, but I could just about let that slide.

On top of my drug induced frustration, I'm also stressing about the tour. Maybe I should have gone with Tommy.. but I knew I couldn't last the entire time there without shooting up and I knew if anyone was to notice what I was doing it'd be Mick and he certainly wouldn't stay quiet about it, so it was safer for me to stay here with River but being high and alone for me was becoming an incredibly dangerous mix.

Alone my mind wanders and goes into some nasty territory, goes into my childhood and the trauma and pain- it drives me insane because the drugs are meant to stop me thinking of my past, it's meant to stop me feeling pain but it's not really working like it was before.

River was currently asleep and had been since before Tommy left so she was due to wake up at any moment, I wasn't entirely up for dealing with a screaming baby right now so I was kinda hoping she'd just stay asleep until Tommy returned but the chance of that happening was slim to none.

Why was I doing this? Why can't things just be like they used to be?

I tried to clear my mind and try to focus on the sensation the drugs were giving but my thoughts wouldn't budge- I was working myself up and I have no idea why.

To then top it off River then begins to cry- I open my eyes and take a deep breath trying to keep my cool, and not lose my temper because it wasn't River's fault, after sitting up I stood and made my way to her.

For the next few minutes, I did everything I could to try and get her to stop crying, picked her up, changed her, put her back down, went downstairs and got a bottle to feed her but even after she'd had her milk she still cried, I picked her up then placed her down in her crib again and ran my hands down my face.

Genuinely, I didn't know what to do at this current moment. My mind wasn't being rational I was too fucked up to focus and think- minutes passed and my frustration grew and grew I couldn't think, couldn't do anything, she kept crying and crying and crying.

My mind was racing, I couldn't deal with the noise anymore.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed eventually, hitting the side of her crib forcefully having had enough of this, there was too much going on inside my head at once.

As I yelled I was staring directly at her to the which the volume of my voice only made her cry even harder, I knew I'd scared her and I actually had scared myself by just how angry I had just got at the child, she has nothing to do with any of this.

I can keep telling myself that it was partly River's fault, that her existence was one of the reasons I was on drugs but when it came down to it- I made the choice to do heroin it was nobody's fault but mine.