BEING YOURS

CHAPTER TWELVE

"You don't know me."

She placed the bag on the plate on his nightstand and held both his hands.

"Everyone makes mistakes Ali, everyone has pasts and regrets, but we don't let our past define us because we can get better, we can be better. The future has much to offer and that's what we should look up to, a better tomorrow, not caging ourselves in our past. That'll only make us bleak and hinder us from pushing forward, from conquering, from being happy. And also, no matter what, no matter what you did, no matter how huge you think it is, never think Allah can't forgive you, can't have mercy on you, He created us Ali and He can forgive us on anything if we turn to Him in repentance. Verily, Allah loves those who repent. Lastly you have to learn to forgive yourself too, because only then will you be truly free. The worst thing a person can live with is guilt Ali, and self-hate."

"It's not my past Amira, it's that, my present, plus my future. I'm doomed, just understand it."

"You aren't Ali_"

"I am. I'm a terrible person Amira,"

"Shh." She placed a finger on his lips. "Never say that, ever."

He brought her hand down. "You'll say that because you don't even know me, you don't know anything about me. I'm the worst person you can ever come across in your entire life, I'm a devil_"

"No." She placed her palm on his mouth. "You should stop saying such things about yourself. You're a good man Ali, believe it." She took her hand off his face.

He smiled sadly and looked away. "If only you knew."

"Then tell me, anything. I'm right here, you can share your pain with me, and trust me it'll make you feel lighter and I'll be here to help you get better."

"If you knew, you won't ever wanna look at me again."

"I'm still here."

He got the message she's passing across and he lowered his eyes to his thighs.

She's right. She's still here. He never expected her to stay after saying all those things to her in the hospital, but she did.

Shit she shouldn't be here after everything he's done to her.

"Do you believe everything I told you?" He asked softly, not meeting her gaze.

She sighed. "Honestly, I'm having a hard time doing that. Especially the drugs part. Are you really into that? And you have a kidney failure?"

He chuckled gloomily. "I don't lie, and I don't joke, certainly not on something like that."

She felt weak by his words, she still couldn't get it in herself to believe it, something's just not adding up. What sort of drugs is he into? Why did he stray? What made him do that? Mustafa's and his mum's deaths? But he's still young then, he definitely wouldn't go into something like that under his parent's custody without them knowing.

His low voice broke into her thoughts.

"Y'know, I really don't like you here. I don't like spending time with you. You always make me smile, make me laugh and get me detached and free, happy. But... I can't be that, I don't deserve that, smiling, laughing, happiness, they're not my share. I played with my chance, too many times and... I know if I let myself get into it again, I'll end up ruining me further, hurting you." He glanced at her. "You deserve better than me Amira, far better.

"You need someone to... appreciate you, someone to... give you Jannah, that's not me and it'll never be me. I'm telling you this, from anywhere something right can come out of me and I'm frank, I want to see you happy, you deserve it, and staying in my life, you'll never get that. My life's too bad, too dangerous for you and I can't always protect you, I can't always be there."