Shakespeare one shots

Horatio feels bad, then good, then awful, and it's entirely Hamlet's fault

Alternate title: The one where the author, who is not attracted to dicks in the slightest, spends a lot of time writing about dicks and thus makes themself willingly uncomfortable in order to gift you all a gratuitous blow job scene. (You're fucking welcome. (I'm never doing it again. (Yes I am.)))

That's it that's the content warning have fun

(Also I have no fucking clue what era this is, we can blame Agatha Christie for it because I listened to her in the car with Mother Dearest and now my writing is ~lovely~)

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To visit Castle Elsinore, Hamlet had said, will be a positively horrid. For you. For me it will be thoroughly amusing to watch you flounder, stammer, and in general be out of your element. I shall commit to memory the look on Mother's face when she sees you - which coming from me is not an insult, mind. It's merely that I'm not sure she has ever seen a person with skin any darker than a week's tan. A pity, yours is rather lovely. Even so...

He had gone on in such a way for the entire length of the walk from his and Horatio's favorite dining spot to the dorm building, and would have continued had Horatio not brought his speech to a merciful end with a polite but firm, "I should love to accompany you as always, my lord," which had satisfied the prince into blessed silence.

The train ride from Wittenberg to Elsinore was unusually quiet, filled with lots of reading, staring out the window with melancholy, and murmuring out of earshot of the other passengers about possible romantic (and most likely sexual) endeavors. Hamlet was particularly ardent about the potential of a bearskin rug, though Horatio was hesitant on account of itchiness and difficulty of cleanup. For the most part, the expansive bed was their main target, luckily equipped with curtains in case any unfortunate staff should wander in unannounced.

When they finally arrived on the royal grounds, Hamlet landed his expensive boots on the road with a satisfying crunch, immediately bracing for impact as a flurry of pastel silks barreled into him. Horatio rolled his eyes fondly and stepped out of the carriage.

"Hamlet! Prince Hamlet, dear heart, you must introduce me to your company! Is he from Wittenberg? How did you meet? What's his name?" The flurry of pastel silks then turned and smiled at him apologetically. "Do forgive me, sir, I should have been addressing you from the beginning. Hamlet has such a tendency to ramble on, I'd have never gotten anywhere asking him. By what appellation are you denominated?"

"By Horatio, good lady," said Horatio, already feeling as though he would begrudgingly get along with this new, equally talkative Dane. "Charmed, I'm sure, to meet my lord's Ophelia."

Lady Ophelia tightened her hold on Hamlet's shirt as she giggled, which would have had Horatio reeling with jealousy had Hamlet not been looking at her with such unabashed affection. I have brought this entirely upon myself, he thought. He said she would be here. I knew we would have to hide. I can bear this for his sake.

But while Ophelia was very definitely and heavily flirting, she and Hamlet exchanged expressions of what looked far closer to amusement than lust. He expected this of Hamlet, who had confessed his lack of feelings for his fiancé, but assumed she would be unaware of this issue. However, Ophelia's bedroom eyes only became apparent when her brother (who scoffed at Horatio and had yet to look at him since) or her father (who squeaked at Horatio and was far too interested in his home life) were present.

Horatio spent a large amount of daily processing ability trying to solve this mystery, and it must have been more obvious than he hoped because both Hamlet and Ophelia quickly noticed. After a banquet, at which Queen Gertrude got very red in the face from wine and even redder at seeing her only son in the company of a "peasant bastard," the lord and lady unceremoniously grabbed Horatio by either sleeve and manhandled him into the nearest empty bedchamber. He would have made a remark about the innuendo had both of them not started talking very loud and very fast at the same time.