20 cm || Choi Yeonjun

60

My eyes widened when splotches of liquid began staining the hospital bed. The angry color of red contrasting the pristine color of the sheets. "Yeonjun! You're bleeding!" I screamed. I looked at him mortified when his face remained stoic despite the sight of his pants wet with the rich color. It was as if seeing his own blood was a natural occurrence. The hell? How did it not bother him?

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were hurt?!" I angrily spat at him. The worry must have been evident in my eyes because when I looked at him, he was already flashing me a small smile. Gone was his spaced out expression.

"You were hurting more than me, Jiwon. You should always come first." He simply answered. I was lost for word. He shrugged me off like the idea of him getting hurt was okay. The words I was about to tell him gone and forgotten. My mind becoming blank for a moment.

"Oh, shut up. I'll call the nurse!" I didn't have any issues with walking since my right wrist was the only part severely affected so I quickly sat up on the bed. My feet already feeling the cold floor to find my shoes. "No you won't. The doctor clearly stated for you to stay still." He pulled me back by the hem of my shirt when he sees me starting to inch closer to the door. "So don't move." I got startled when he booped my nose all of a sudden. His hands pushing my shoulders down to let my back lean on the bed's headboard. All of this done with him still sitting in his spot, not moving. Curse his long arms.

"B-but your wound! How do you even expe—" Yeonjun quickly cut me off by raising his hand. He narrowed his eyes at me, daring me to continue talking. "I promise to get treated after Kibum hyung comes back." My back shrunk back to the pillows in relief. I didn't even notice that I sighed loudly until I heard him laugh. His eyes disappearing in the process.

"You're insane." I muttered.

"I guess I am." He answered me lightly.

I stiffened when the atmosphere went back to being heavy. None of us dared to speak a word. This went on excruciatingly long. I unconsciously bit my lip when my eyes accidentally drifted to him. My eyes widening in size when I catch him already looking. "What?" I forced myself to ask.

He didn't answer.

I was about to start another topic to slightly lift the mood when he finally opened his pink lips. "Jiwon.... How have you been?" I stiffened, not expecting the question from him. My eyes met his once again. This time my mind was flurrying with thoughts because of how intense they were now. His question.. He meant something else.

"I'm fine.... now." I drawled slowly. I'm still unsure where this conversation is headed.

"That's good... I'm happy to hear that." My eyes softened when he looked away. His expression fell, his jaw tightening as he swallowed hard. I sucked in a breath when I realise that his eyes were focusing on anything besides me. "How have you been?" This time I made my voice louder in an attempt to get his eyes on me again. I frowned when he still didn't face me.

Fuck.

It's like a huge part of me withered when I see his shoulders starting to shake. His breathing became laboured and he was gripping the sheets too tight, his veins were showing. He was crying. Why?

"You should be glad..." I blinked a few times when he started talking again. Not expecting him to because of how hard it looked for him to breathe. I didn't respond even though my mind had a lot to ask him. This time, I kept everything in for him to continue. To pour out everything he wanted to say to me. I'll listen to every word.

I held my breath, mentally preparing myself for the worst. For the pain he'll inflict with his harsh words. "I tried, you know? For months I hated you— no, I loathed you." My eyes heated when I hear his voice crack.

Shit. Listen to him. Take everything in, Jiwon. You fucking deserve the pain.

"But I'm eating everything I've said that day. Everything. You got in too deep into my system that I can't even forget about you. I just can't." Finally he turned around. I almost broke down the moment I saw his tear stained cheeks. His eyes were bloodshot and his nose was red. Broken. That was what his orbs were screaming.

"I'm sorry." I said pathetically. My head lowering this time around.

"You broke me so bad, Jiwon. I feel stupid because it hurts less when you're around. It gets better when you're near me." He pointed to his heart. Telling me exactly where he felt the pain.

"And I'm willing to get hurt again as long as you accept me." I felt the wind getting knocked off of me when he got up from the bed. He rounded the corner and slowly knelt. My face crumpled the same time my tears fell when he lowered his head. The sight was all too familiar. It was like history was reliving itself again. My heart fell painfully to my stomach, it felt like it was getting stomped on repeatedly. The memory is too painful for me. "Accept me please." His voice gave out. It becoming barely a whisper but I still heard him.

I shook my head.

Why was he doing this? I should be the one in his spot. I was the one who should be kneeling for forgiveness.

"Get up please. Yeonjun, please?" I pulled him by the shoulder. He felt light in my arms. All the power drained because of crying too much. He buried his head on my chest and cried his heart out. "I can't take it, Jiwon." His voice was muffled but I still made out a few of the words.

I lifted his head, holding his cheeks with both of my hands. It felt like cold water was splashed onto me, pulling me back to my senses. I cleared my throat. Fuck. I didn't know where to start. "I should be the one doing these, Yeonjun. I should be the one on my knees. I've hurt you. I want you to hate me. Hate me so that I could live with my guilt." I whimpered when I feel him shaking his head.

"You know I can't do that." He rasped out.

"I don't deserve you. I can't have you, Yeonjun." I began crying again when I hear my own voice saying this out loud.