letters to joshua (bxb) ✓

xxix

j,

school has passed in the blink of an eye. i felt like i just sat down to write something to you at the beginning of the school year and here i am now, two months later, about to close out the first quarter of college. 

the school year definitely hasn't been what i expected. for starters, i definitely overestimated how hard college would be. people keep droning on and on about the academics, but i think that the hardest part about college is finding the right balance between social life and school. sometimes i find myself in the library until 2am and i walk back to my dorm--closer to the sounds of people partying together--and i feel like i'm not taking advantage of the typical "college" experience. sometimes i find myself at said party at 2am when i have a project or paper due the next day and i feel like i'm not appreciating my scholarship and my opportunity to learn to the fullest.

i also thought i would have you in my life. in some way, it does feel like you're still here because i can direct energy and thoughts in your direction. i'm itching to send  you a text message or another letter to the mills' but i'm trying to give both you and i some space to figure out who we are apart from each other. 

evan and i have become close this quarter and, between him and adam, they're filling the joshua-sized hole in my life. 

i'm also weirdly hanging out with jennifer more. we kept bumping into each other on our tuesday morning routes to class and she asked if i wanted to grab a coffee and catch up. i said yes because it seemed like the only answer in that moment, and now we study together in silence during long afternoons. we haven't talked much yet, but it feels nice to have some sort of company that isn't adam or evan. jenn is really nice and i'm starting to understand why you liked her so much. 

sometimes when i look at her,  a faint flicker of your face appears instead. it's like she's a constant reminder of you and what could have been of us two. not that i blame her in the slightest for how things panned out. if i was in her position, i would definitely snatch up the new mysterious jock. i mean, head cheerleader and jock? that's a cliche romance novel in the making.

through getting to know her, i'm able to forgive you for leading me on for so long. i don't think it was right, and i don't think i could ever do something like that if i was in your position, but i'm telling you (well, your energy) that i understand why you kept flopping back and forth between us.

we're kind of opposites in that way. for me, the only thing i could be sure of was my sexuality. everything else was a mystery. it was like, yeah the world is crashing down around me, but at least i know i'm gay.

for you, you didn't have a stable 'everything else' and you didn't have that reassured sense of self. i mean, how could i expect you to openly love me when it didn't work out for you the first time? i wish you could have explained this all to me. i wish i didn't have to write these letters and spend time putting myself in your shoes. i wish you would communicate with me more, but i guess that's the downside of being a pisces and you being an aquarius.

you were so straight passing you entire life that you didn't even have to confront the idea of sexuality until it was absolutely undeniable. i get it now. i still don't appreciate you leading me on and on and never being able to choose between me or jennifer but i get it.

whenever i mention you to her, she just shoots me a dirty look. i think she has pushed you so far down in her memories that even the mention of your name is confusing and unwanted. so, we don't talk about you, and that leaves us with very little to talk about. even still, it's nice having a friend. 

my mother and i have mended our relationship a lot. maybe it's because i'm on the other side of the country so she has no choice but to be nice to me, or maybe it's because i'm undergoing "an exploration of self" (or whatever bullshit they say college is) and i'm able to set better boundaries. whatever the reason, i'm grateful.

i don't know what her mindset is in relation to sexuality and religion and all of that, and honestly i don't want to open that can of worms. sometimes i realise that the best thing to do for myself is nothing. the power of cutting back, you know? maybe one day i'll able to approach the conversation of her coffee and my pride puzzle, but i know that today (and that over text) is not that day. 

i'm missing my dad a little extra today as well. not for any particular reason--just that ucla is full of people who remind me of him. some people accept me for who i am. they accept all of me. they make me feel seen and heard. these were all things that my dad did for me when i was at home, and all of the things i ached for each day when i was alone with my mother. 

he didn't make a big deal of my sexuality like my mother does, and i didn't realise the positive impact that had on me until now. it was like he was subtly saying that it was just a part of me, not my entire identity. i'm ashton and i'm gay--i'm not ashton because i'm gay. by normalising my sexuality, he showed me that who i loved and how i expressed romance was just a single part of what made me ashton. i hope that as you continue through your journey of discovering who you are,  someone will be able to teach you this lesson as well. i wish 

i was about to write that i wish it could be me, but i know it can't be. the more we entangle our lives together, the messier it's going to be.

i attached onto you because i saw someone going through the same confusion with sexuality that i had to go through, and i wanted be the person to help you along that journey. somehow, through that process of discovering who you were, i lost myself. i want to be the person who shows you that there is light (and clarity) on the other side, but i know that once i start up our relationship again, it's only going to shroud my clear view of who i am and who i want to be.

i can get so lost in you that it takes another few years to find myself. as much as i'm willing to let this happen, as i feel a burning urge to do anything it takes to re-experience the few seconds of the undeniable passion we had together, we're both at different places on this journey of life. for me, i've already gotten comfortable with my sexuality. it's the rest of my life that i need to discover and let pan out. for you, you already know what you want. you want to be financially self sufficient, well educated, and being paid while doing something you love. we thought that we could help each other become sure of the thing we ourselves already knew, but we ended up just making a big mess.

i'm still craving your touch, and resisting this is one of the hardest things i've ever done. that's why i continue to write to you: i pretend like we still have the fiery connection going.

i hope you're doing well, i really do.

much love,

ashton.