letters to joshua (bxb) ✓

xxi

joshua,

can i just say that i am so proud of you for choosing the path of higher education? i know the decision for you must not have been easy, especially since i know you had a 'west-coast-or-die' attitude about college last summer. regardless of what college you end up going to (in this case, delta), i know you'll make the best of the opportunity. very few people i know can be mercilessly slapped down time and time again but still find the strength to get back up again--you are the only person i know who is strong enough to endure everything you have already. you amaze me, j.

i hope it's alright that i spoke to my mother about your situation. she knows about you from the limited conversations we've had about my time at camp last summer. although i think of her as an absolute fiend, i know she has a motherly spirit and she hates to see other people suffer if she can help it. so... she agreed to let you stay at our house for the summer! just until you move into the dorms at delta, of course. i'm sorry i didn't ask you for your permission but i knew you'd be too proud to agree to this. let me know how you feel, okay?

i know you're strong, joshua, but everyone can use help sometimes. something i've learned about you is that you're headstrong, stubborn, and proud. usually, all of these attributes work in your favour to make you the most amazing person i know. in this case, you're unwilling to ask for help.

please accept my help. because it truly is that, j, just help. 

on another note, my future might seem as uncertain as yours. remember how i sent you a copy of an email rachel sent to the admissions office? i wanted to do a bit more digging into this mysterious rachel sheppard and see why she took such interest in me. that's my problem: if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. i guess i've just gotten a lot more guarded since my dad's passing.

anyways, i couldn't find anything about her on the internet. do you know how many rachel sheppard's there are in the united states? let me answer that for you: too many. i was ready to put my worries at rest and finally accept that something good could happen to me when she sent me a letter.

it turns out rachel and my dad were best friends throughout high school and college, and my mother drove them apart with their jealousy. or that's how rachel framed it in her letter anyway. 

i'm torn: i have no idea if i believe my mother is a good person for agreeing to let you stay on our couch in the basement or if she's horrible for driving my dad apart from his best friend because she was jealous and insecure. i guess it's possible for me to love my mother, as she is my blood and family, but not like her. but then again, i have no idea who rachel is and if she's trustworthy or not. the only way i could possibly settle this battle in my mind is to  ask my dad who is, unfortunately, not here. so now i'm stuck in this limbo where i'm uncomfortable with my college scholarship, unsure about how 'good' my mother's heart is, and being sent a potentially fabricated letter from someone who claims to be a friend of my fathers. can you tell that i'm feeling a little weird about the whole thing?

even though she reiterates multiple times that i would have earned a spot at ucla all on my own, i somehow don't believe that's true. i don't know whether i want to continue ahead with my college plans at ucla or if i should start looking at other alternatives. i haven't talked to mother about this yet, and i can hear her response now. i'm scared she'll tell me not to go to ucla because she doesn't want to accept help from rachel, but i'm even more nervous that she'll tell me to go. what do you think?

lastly, yes. i'll see you another time joshua. i hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you come live with us this summer. it'll be like camp all over again, except this time we can start food fights (maybe outside of the house...) without eliza yelling at us and sentencing us to an afternoon of scrubbing canoes. we can sit outside in the garden and watch the stars like we did on the roof for so many nights. we can watch scary movies and stuff our faces with popcorn. we can be ourselves--to some extent--this summer. think about it, please.

i came out to her a few years ago, but she doesn't know the context in which we know each other. i don't want to ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but just keep this in mind. i guess what i'm saying is that i can't be too gay in front of her--for both her and my comfort. 

if my dad was still alive and living in the house, it would be different. we would be sitting on the couch under blankets throwing popcorn at the tv and yelling when the protagonist of a romcom went back to her toxic boo. we would all be grilling dinner (well, maybe you and him. grills really aren't my thing) and having weekly barbecues. sorry that you have to settle for the awkward atmosphere of mother and i. 

she's definitely gotten better with the drinking and all of that. i might have accidentally mentioned her excessive drinking and late stays at the bar to huntman. through my incredible detective powers, i assume that huntman gave her a ring. i know it's completely unethical for both of us to have the same therapist, so i hope he redirected her to someone good. god knows that she needs it--not only for the alcoholic behaviour but also just to process the grief of the sudden loss of her husband. 

anyways, all of this to say that it would have definitely been more fun if my dad was still alive, but you're just going to have to settle for some elongated pauses at dinner and side glances. it just comes with the territory of being under the same roof as mother. 

please let me know soon as mother's getting anxious. she's a planner and likes to get things set up in advance. i hope i get to see more of you this summer joshua.

love,

ashton

p.s. i know you hate me right now because, like i said, you never want to ask for help. so this time, i made it easy for you! i didn't wait for you to ask for help--i was proactive about it. come live with me and thank me later.