letters to joshua (bxb) ✓

viii

ashton,

I need some breathing space to clear my head. I just feel so all over the place right now.

I have no idea why you chose to reach out and write to me. I'm sorry I showed up at your high school on the first day of senior year without any contact but I explained, okay? I explained why I had to come, and why this was my only choice.

I'm about to turn eighteen. I know I moved out of my foster home a few months after I got there but I'm still banking on the hope that they will adopt me. if not, I'm done. no way to pay for college, no way to front rent by myself, and no future ahead of me. 

ash, I'm sorry to hear that you've been hospitalised. I was wondering why you weren't showing up to school but I didn't dare ask anyone in fear that someone would connect school-me to camp-me. but regardless, this letter isn't about me. it's about you, about us.

I hear you and I'm here to support you. but I need to do that from a distance right now.

between you, jennifer, and football, I can't shoulder any other burden on my shoulders right now. this is me asking for help from you in the form of space.

what we had at camp was good, don't get me wrong. I would have never thought I would fall in love with the boy who was incapable of making a box braid lanyard to save his life. I mean I know I'm a vet at all this camp stuff, but really?! I don't think I've seen anyone struggle so hard trying to make one of those things in the entire time I've been at camp.

I'll never forget the first time we sat on the roof of cabin eleven watching the stars. I can't believe I took you, a first year, onto the roof of cabin eleven. usually that honour is reserved for other vets like me. but I think I knew from the start that you were special.

you pulled me in tight and just held me with your arms wrapped around my chest. honestly I'd give anything to feel your arms wrapped around me again in a hug. and then, we kissed. I don't know if you remember that part either, but the stupid curl in front of my face messed it up for the both of us. actually, our first kiss was a disaster. your lips on my nose and my lips on your chin.

the second kiss was better. I'll never forget it. it was the first time I've kissed a boy and it felt so right. for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged. you made me feel like I belong.

I'm writing this because I need you to hear me when I say I miss you and I will always care for you. right now, I need you to care for me as much as you tell yourself, and me, that you do. 

I don't want to be a bitch but, again, I have no idea why you reached out in the first place. ever since you gave me a cold stare across the cafeteria and refused to talk to me in the hallways or in class, I just assumed you didn't want me in your life anymore. I get it, we were kind of a summer fling. but hear me when I tell you I don't deserve this treatment from you, ash. I want you to get better. I want you to get out of the hospital. I want you back in my life, but not like this.

you're clinging on to me and the idea of us so tightly that I can't breathe without feeling like I need to check with you first.

you are not the fun loving guy I fell in love with at camp and I don't know how to pursue a friendship with this ashton.

I know you're going through stuff, which is why I am giving both of us this break from each other. 

I will reach back out if and when I'm ready to pursue a relationship of any sort. please, please, please. do not reach out before I'm ready to talk to you. this is me drawing a boundary. this is me asking for time and space away from you.

j.