letters to joshua (bxb) ✓

xiv

joshua,

it's been a while since anything between us really. no letters, no interactions at school, and no contact from you. strangely enough, i don't have your phone number so i can't call to check up on you. are you okay?

funnily enough, jen is also going to ucla. at least that's the school i assume she's committed to, considering she stealthily changed her bio from 'bay city' to 'ucla' and posted about it in a ucla sweatshirt. so it seems like jen and i are both going to ucla. so fun. can't wait.

remember when i said some ucla alum approached me and asked if i was interested in going to ucla a while back? rachel? yeah, i didn't really remember either. i thought it was pretty nice of her to help me get into her alma mater, but i kind of forgot all about her after that interaction. it felt like the ucla acceptance was my own.

i've been seeing her around the local spots a lot recently. since dad was the big cook of the family, losing him was a big blow to my diet. i've been living off of instant noodles and fast food because mother hasn't bothered to cook at all. i went to the corner grocery store to pick up another pack of instant noodles because i was running low, and just as i turned the corner, i almost ran into her. she was carrying frozen peas. who the hell eats frozen peas of all things?

she stopped and we kind of exchanged awkward stares. i knew i recognized her from somewhere, but i had no idea where. we ended up talking to each other as her frozen peas melted in her hands about life, art, and ucla. i told her i got in and she seemed really happy for me but not surprised. something about the whole ucla thing with her seemed off. 

whatever, it's not that important. i have no idea how (or why) she helped me get into ucla but it's kind of nice of her.

maybe she can help you do the same? it's a little late in the college process since decisions have already come out, but you never know. i know going to california for college is your dream and i guess the camp-part of me hopes that it'll come true. i remember one time when we sat by the lake and just talked to each other until the sun went down. when you mentioned california, your entire body seemed to give off a happy glow. i still have no idea what your connection to california is, considering you never wanted to talk about it when i brought it up, but i hope that you do end up getting to move to california for college. 

joshua, to read that you think you are unwanted breaks my heart into a million pieces. since the moment i saw you at camp, i wanted you. at that time, i had no idea if i wanted you in a romantic way or if i just wanted to be you, but now i can say for certain that i want you.

i keep thinking about the 'what ifs' about camp. like, what if i knew you were coming to bay city, my city? would i have accepted your request to be your boyfriend then? what if jennifer was never in the picture? what if i never met you?

you are the one person i know i can count on through everything. you are not unwanted. even if i can't openly declare this, i know that my relationship with you is special. i know that you are special. you are not broken or unwanted because you are whole by yourself. i know life has thrown you a lot of ups and downs and it may seem like it's unfair to carry all that burden by yourself, but i'm telling you that you never have to. 

i know you're with jennifer and i know this might seem inappropriate of me to write down but i can't help thinking--why did you write to me initially and continually write back if you weren't serious about keeping me in your life? my first thought was that you were stringing me along, but i know you're not capable of doing that because you are literally not capable of using someone. 

as long as you want me in your life, j, i'll be here. 

i know you feel abandoned and lost because of your parents, and hell, i would too. what they did to you--sending you to camp as their final goodbye--is a pain that no one should have to endure. i know that it didn't work out with any of your previous foster families, but i don't think that's your fault either. as you mentioned, you're just old. so many of the foster homes want younger children because of some idea that teenagers are rebellious and "too old to train." if any one of the foster families that took you in gave you a fighting chance, instead of disregarding you because of your age, you would have been adopted in days. i'm sure of it. it's impossible to not fall in love with you, joshua.

again, because you haven't been writing, i have no idea what's going on with you. please write soon. 

ash x