Bill Hader Oneshots

Panel (Post SNL Era)

"See, he looks at that video and he's embarrassed because he looks like an idiot. I look at that video and I'm embarrassed because my brain says to me, 'You had a crush on that guy."

The audience erupted with laughter.

"For years," I emphasized. The laughter grew louder and beside me and Bill buried his face in his hands.

"No, I'm serious. Jesus Christ, what was wrong with me?" I finished, shaking her head in a teasing manner.

"Aww," the moderator said in a placating tone, "You're so harsh. I bet plenty of people have had a crush on Bill." From the crowd came a few whoops and roar of applause. It was, after all, a panel for SNL past cast members.

"No, I'm allowed to bully him because of- Am I allowed to swear? 'Cause of all the shit he put me through at SNL. But that's a story for another day," I said with a smirk.

"What does that mean?" the moderator asked like a teenage girl stumbling upon a particularly juicy piece of gossip.

"Oh, I think we've devoted enough of our time to my unrequited attraction," I laughed.

"You can't just say something like that and not explain," Armisen egged on. Several cries of "Tell it!" could be heard from the audience.

"We're short on time," I protested.

"We've got twenty minutes," Kristen pointed out.

"Exactly. Just ask Fred a question about Portland and that's all the time that's left," I countered. The panel laughed, especially Armisen, who could always take a joke. But the moderator was determined to here the story. They always are. And the crowd demanded it too.

"I don't even know what you're referring to," Bill admitted from beside I, having emerged from his hands.

"Fine, fine," I conceded, "But only because it's going to make Bill look like an asshole."

"Oh god," he laughed. Music to my ears.

"So, on SNL each week there would always be an after-party. And the cast would usually go, the host, obviously, and other celebrities. Anyway, sometimes people get really fucked up."

"What do you mean sometimes?" Kristen interjected. I laughed but continued.

"So, one week, I don't remember who was hosting, but I went to the after-party and got pretty drunk. And our good friend John Mulaney"—there was cheering —"Yeah, many of you know him; he was a writer on the show. But, um, John was with me, and I may have confessed my crush on a certain crew member." The crowd oohed and I raised at eyebrow at Bill who was blushing already.

"And the next week," I pressed on, "Mulaney, being fifty percent sweetheart, fifty percent total jackass, came up with a sketch staring me and Bill in which basically all we did was kiss." The volume of the room skyrocketed. If only John was here to see this today. I was sure he'd have plenty to say about it. Not just the sketch but the countless times he had poked fun at me for my innocent crush.

"You remember that?" I asked Bill. He nodded.

"I remember that!" Kristen exclaimed, "I was the mom."

"You were?" I asked.

"Yeah! With Jason."

"I have absolutely no recollection of that."

"You were distracted," Fred hypothesized, sending the audience into a flurry again.

"By the way," I quickly explained, "This isn't something that really happens on SNL. You can't just write yourself into a kiss with the host each week."

"Yeah, that's true," Kristen said, "No one is writing sketches to get themselves some action."

"Or Scarlett Johansson would only do Kissing Family," I summarized.

"Do you remember what you said to me after the dress rehearsal for that sketch?" Bill asked me.

"No." He took a breath and turned to the audience.

"She goes, 'Be honest. Am I better or worse than Paul Rudd?" he said, flipping into an easy impersonation as he recalled my words. The audience laughed, probably more at his impersonation than my lame joke.

"What did you say?" I asked, racking my brain.

"I think I said something like 'Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.'" I laughed.

"Finish the story," someone yelled.

"Yeah, so, Mulaney writes this sketch to fuck with me. And somehow, Bill, being the self-absorbed idiot he is..." I was joking of course, but I couldn't help but watch Bill's reaction. He looked confused, honestly, and very nervous.

"Bill got it into his head that John has written the sketch because John thought Bill had a thing for me." The audience provided another cinematic burst of emotion while Wiig and Armisen cracked up in their seats.

"Oh my god," Bill muttered to himself. He was getting it.

"I'll tell you, it's one thing to have a stupid crush on your coworker." I paused for effect, a comedic instinct.

"It's another to have a crush on someone who is emphatically trying to persuade your friend that he is delusional for thinking the two of you could ever be together." The crowd roared.

"Oh my god," Bill repeated, running his hands through his hair.

Kristen and Fred wasted no time recreating the scene.

"He is just so dreamy as Al Pacino," Kristen said in a schoolgirl's voice. I giggled beside them.

"John, I can't believe you'd ever think I could ever be attracted to this person," Fred said in his impersonation of Bill, arm tucked in like a T. rex, "The very thought sends shivers down my spine. The idea of a romantic relationship with her makes me want to reach down my throat, pull my intestines out, throw them on the ground, and stomp on them."

I was almost out of breath from laughing, as was the rest of the room.

"I wasn't that bad," Hader said defensively.

"Mmm, you kinda were," I teased.

"Well, that was a revelation," the mediator declared.

"Oh god, I was such an ass," Bill said to the amusement of myself.

"You didn't know," I replied nonchalantly. It was years ago by now, the kind of pain so vivid in the moment but barely recallable in retrospect.

He opened his mouth and closed it again as if deciding whether or not to say something.

"Well, it's going to make you hate me even more"--He paused, just as I had less than a minute before--"but the only reason I made sure a big deal about not being into you was because I had a huge crush on you."

The crowd was loud before, but it was nothing compared to their reaction now. It was several minutes before anyone on the panel could hear themselves talk again.

"William Hader Jr., I swear to god, I'm going to kill you," was my only response.