Bill Hader Oneshots

Fanfiction (SNL Era)

A/N: self-burn, anyone? hope y'all are having a good week!

"You don't know what fanfiction is?" she asked, incredulous.

"No idea."

"It's literally in the word," she teased, "Fan. Fiction." Bill just stared at her.

"It's just stuff fans write about a book or movie or TV show that's not affiliated with the real thing," she explained.

"What, random stories?" he asked.

"And porn," Fred interjected.

"Yes, and porn," Y/N affirmed.

"Don't they also have fanfiction about famous people?" Kristen asked.

"Yeah, every member of a boy band probably has a million words written about them," Juliet agreed.

"Wait," Fred said suddenly, as if coming to an epiphany, "Do we have fanfiction?"

"About us?" Kristen asked.

"Maybe. You probably do, Kristen," Juliet said, "Hader definitely. C-"

"Why me definitely?" Bill asked defensively, "No one is writing erotica about me."

"You want to bet?" she asked. She leaned toward him and stares right into his eyes. In spite of himself, his heart beat faster.

"Sure," he said.

"Kristen, look it up," Y/N commanded and leaned back in her chair with her arms crossed.

"Bill Hader fanfiction," Kristen narrated dramatically as she typed on her phone, "Archive of Our Own. Oh, there's a lot here. You lose, Hader. Definitely." Bill couldn't care less about losing, his eyes still on Y/N, but he was legitimately surprised.

"Oh my god," Kristen said suddenly, "You have to read this." She handed the phone to Y/N. Y/N laughed.

"What?" Bill asked, a little nervous.

"I'm just reading the synopses of the different stories. In this one you have five kids. In this one... Wow. You're an evil, sexy werewolf."

"Jesus Christ," Bill said.

"Wait, we have to find one to read," she said and giggled. Her delicate finger scrolled down, down. Then it froze.

"Oh. This one's you and me." She laughed. Bill couldn't think of anything funny to say.

"Ha! It's about Mulaney's sketch," she mentioned.

"Oh yeah, I wrote that fanfic," John said.

"Funny, I wrote one of you and Bill," she said. The room laughed. The tension dissipated. She kept scrolling.

"I can't pick one. Kristen, you choose," she complained. Kristen took over, glad to be given the chance to embarrass Bill. He took the transition as an opportunity to object.

"We don't have to do this. Maybe we sh-" He was cut off.

"Shut up, Hader. Okay, this one sounds promising. Two thousand hits. 'Bill returns after a long day of work at SNL,'" she read. She began to narrate the story of how "you" and him were dating, how he worked long hours and sometimes didn't come home till late at night, how you assumed it was another one of those days. Everyone at the table read was entranced. They played along as an engaged audience, applauding and ribbing Bill for his written self's shortcomings. Bill couldn't focus on the story at all; he was too busy cringing.

"'But suddenly, you heard the front door open!'" Kristen said, voice full of suspense.

"Please let it be a serial killer," Bill pleaded, only half joking.

"It was Bill!" Kristen revealed. The writers clapped and whistled. Bill groaned.

"Hey, don't get down. You could still be a serial killer," Y/N assured him with a pat on the shoulder.

"He kisses you, full of passion. Tongues battling for dominance." Kristen pronounced every word deliberately, as if the meeting was the State of the Union and she was reading an important report on the agricultural industry.

"Battling for dominance?" Y/N repeated incredulously, "Give that to me, I'm half convinced you're making it up." She took the phone and scanned the screen for less than thirty seconds before she set it down loudly with her eyes wide.

"Ew!"

Andy and Colin laughed. Kristen picked up the phone and scrolled, her eyebrows twitching up as she read on.

"How could you let me read that?" Y/N glared at Kristen, who laughed.

"You took the phone!"

"I thought they were just kissing!"

"I was getting to that!"

"Dude, you told her to call you Daddy!" Y/N complained to Bill.

"I didn't know you were into that, Hader," John teased.

Real Life Bill just waved his arms helplessly.
"Oh! Oh my god! Look at this!" Kristen exclaimed.

"I'm not looking," Y/N asserted. She crossed her arms over her chest to emphasize her point.

"What is it?" Jost asked.

"It's... Wow. That's actually pretty impressive," Kristen mused.

"Don't say that," Y/N whined.

"Why not?"

"Because you're making me morbidly curious," she replied.

"Really? Morbidly? That's the word?" Bill asked to no reply.

"Just look at it," Kristen implored.

"Don't look at it," Bill suggested with equal fervor.

"Am I going to regret it?" Y/N asked.

"Definitely," was the response.

Tentatively, like picking up a dead bird, Juliet took hold of the phone case. This time she looked away almost immediately and a squeak escaped her.

"You're an evil person, Kristen."

"There's no way that's accurate," Kristen wondered aloud. She showed the screen to Mulaney, who's eyebrows shot up.

"Is that right?" Kristen asked.

"Is what right?" Bill asked Y/N. His heart rate was that of a rabbit. Y/N shielded her face in her palms.

"Don't talk to me. I just saw you naked," she said into her hands.

"What? What!" Screw rabbit. Mouse. Hummingbird.

"What is it?" a few people demanded. Kristen looked at John, then Y/N.

"You have to tell them," he said. Y/N, head still in her hands, mumbled her assent. She was blushing, Bill thought. Or maybe that was his imagination.

"Is a very detailed nude drawing of our lovely friend," Kristen said.

"Is that accurate?" she asked Mulaney again, pointing out something on the screen.

"No comment," he said simply, for which Bill was infinitely grateful. The door handle twisted suddenly. Lorne, trailed by Seth and a few other writers, walked in.

"What's going on in here?" Seth asked. Everyone already sat down took a look around the room and burst into laughter. Even Bill couldn't help but join in. It took a minute to calm.

"Are we done?" Lorne asked. No one replied.

"Alright"—he shuffled his papers—"Let's begin."