Living Next Door To Alice

40/ Like It Used To Be

"If I would, I wouldn't have asked." He said calmly, reminding himself that they weren't getting anywhere if he was going into a full attack or defense.

Alice's eyes started to water as she listened to how apparently he had no single clue of how much she was hurting, or how much she wanted for them to go back to the way it was, even if that seemed impossible right now.

"It looks like I'm the only one of us who has trouble with us not being together, that it actually hurts to be around you because it's a constant reminder that we're over." She cried out, as she heavily gestured between them.

FP's eyes filled with tears, not only because he heard how much she was suffering, but because she assumed that this break between them bothering him at all.

"You think that it doesn't bother me? That looking at you doesn't break my heart over and over again?" He spat out, raising his voice now as well. His emotions were taking over, and there was no use in staying calm. Not like this.

Alice softened a little. He was hurting too. But wasn't it the point that they should stop getting hurt and being the one to cause that to one another?

"Maybe this is all part of getting over each other. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't you think?" She said quietly, before sniffing and wiping away a tear that fell.

"Is that what you want? Getting over each other? This being over for good?" His voice cracked as he couldn't believe what he was hearing. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart, to hurt him as much as possible.

"Of course that's not what I want! I meant that... I meant that this is just too much right now." She explained, holding both hands up in defense.

Alice was overwhelmed. How could she know how to go on when all she wanted to do was to cry, climb into bed and cry some more? Why did it feel like they couldn't talk this out?

FP shook his head, confused by her words. Though, he calmed down a little.

"Al, if I am being honest I can't follow whatever it is that you feel for me, but it looks like that no matter what it is, it isn't enough for you to stay, or to fight, or try." He said quietly, afraid to look her into her eyes but doing it nonetheless. It felt like suddenly he couldn't read her anymore.

Alice stayed silent. She just looked back at him with teary eyes.

"We would give each other time to think about stuff, but it seems like you haven't figured out what you want." said FP, as he just as much didn't have an idea whatever he wanted himself.

"So, maybe you are right. Maybe we shouldn't be around each other." He finished, softly. FP swallowed the lump in his throat, but it seemed to come back as quick as it had appeared.

"You know what I want. I don't want to be in this mess anymore." Alice cried quietly as she looked straight into his eyes, wanting nothing more than for this to have never happened. She wanted things the way they were before, and yet that was the one thing she couldn't have.

FP scoffed. She didn't want a mess. Was he the mess she was referring to?

"Fine, Alice. Whatever you wish." FP walked around the kitchen counter, making Alice turn on her heel to see where he was going. She looked at how he grabbed his jacket and walked of the door, closing it with a slam.

**

Even though Alice was totally okay with staying home while the rest was off for a picnic, she still felt an enormous knot on her stomach. Normally she would try to distract herself with chatting with her daughter or granddaughter, but Polly, Sweet Pea and Daisy were all napping together. So, it was a very lonely afternoon.