Lips Like Coffee

cup: 36

Disclaimer/Warning: Imagery in this chapter may be triggering for some, please read with caution and discretion. (e.g. sexual misconduct)

Norma

Kyle stared at me as I fiddled with my fingers. A shiver ran up my spine at his cold, unwavering gaze. My embarrassment was evident as I tried to avoid eye contact. There was no point in delaying the truth, but waiting for his reaction was excruciating.

After a long silence, he closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. This was it.

"I can't make you love me, Norma-Jean," he said, pushing his fingers through his hair, "but I can show you all the reasons you could. I just don't understand you."

I blinked several times in a row as I tilted my head to the right. Wow. There wasn't anger or malice in his voice, only—sadness. My stomach was in knots and I hated the shame I felt.

When I didn't say anything, he moved to stand in front of me. Holding me by my biceps, Kyle rested his forehead on my shoulder.

"Why do you love him?" His grip tightened on my arms, but it didn't hurt.

The question struck me in an odd place. Why did I love him? I didn't know. Despite me kissing Pen, I still didn't understand my own feelings toward him. All I knew was that he made me feel every emotion possible. He knew me better than anyone else had ever tried to get to know me. Pen made me angry; he confused me; he knew how to make me cry; he made me laugh; he made my heart race by just looking at me. Overall, he made me the happiest I've ever been.

"I've never loved anyone before," I admitted, staring blankly over his shoulder. "I don't know if I love him."

"Do you want to love me?"

My eyes widened at this. How could I answer that? Love was such an abstract concept, and I had little understanding of it aside from familial. I wanted to feel passionate love. The butterflies of new love but all the time. But, did I want that with Kyle? I knew I could have it with him, I knew it.

"I, don't know. And I wish I did, but..."

Again I found myself blinking, this time to clear the tears in my eyes. Why was I like this? My lip quivered as I tried to refrain from sobbing. I didn't want this. These feelings: I was feeling everything when I didn't want to feel anything at all.

"Baby," Kyle whispered, wiping tears from under my eyes, "are you okay?"

"No, I-I..."

My knees buckled and erupted with heavy sobs as I let myself fall to the ground. What was wrong with me? I couldn't tell either of the men in my life I loved them. Neither of them deserved my uncertainty, but I didn't know how to fix it. I felt more broken now than when I was in the hospital.

Kyle tried to put my head on his shoulder as I cried, but I shook my head while pushing him away. He shouldn't be comforting me, not when I hurt him. Why was he still trying to love me? This couldn't be what love was supposed to be like.

"I'm sorry," I cried, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand.

"It's okay, you're fine," he said, trying to comfort me again.

"Do not accept this! You don't deserve this."

A sight left him as he closed his eyes and put his head on my shoulder again. Rubbing my triceps, he looked me in the eye again and smiled.

"I don't, but I know you're worth trying for."

Tears spilled from my eyes faster at his words. I shook my head as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.