For your eyes only - l.s

Chapter Sixteen

"Louis William Tomlinson, you tell me right now what the hell that was about!" Jane says sternly, not bothering to keep her voice low as they are standing outside the club on the pavement. She vigorously ripped her arm out of Louis' grip as soon as the door fell shut behind them, now refusing to take a single step further.

"Can we talk about this at home please?" Louis replies, not keen on explaining his weird behaviour.

"No, we cannot," she replies, half yelling. "I will not be going anywhere with you if you don't give me a very good reason for dragging me out here like a maniac! My friends are still in there, waiting for me!"

"Well, can't you just send a message to your friends that you had to leave urgently?" Louis asks, annoyance now clear in his voice.

"No, I can't do that because it would be a big fat lie. What the hell got into you, Louis? Your friend and I were just talking. He was acting a bit weird, granted, but still – no need for a stampede."

"He was getting on my nerves. He is a dickhead, not really a friend – more of an acquaintance. Always on the look for someone to hook up with," Louis says, trying to make his statement sound as credible as possible. He immediately feels guilty for talking about Liam like that. Although he hadn't seen him for a very long time and he has no idea what he's like now, he once used to be one of the nicest and kindest lads he's ever met.

Louis is shocked about himself in this moment. He has never spread so many lies in his entire life. He has always been honest, trying to not say too many bad things about people, especially nothing made-up. Now he's going around, changing the truth to an amount that it doesn't count as white lies anymore, lying to the person that means the most to him in the world – his girlfriend. He would like to tell himself that it's only to her best, their best, to save their relationship. But this actually goes too far.

"I found him quite okay," Jane retorts, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Well, you don't know him the way I do."

"I thought he was only an acquaintance? How come you know him so well, huh?"

Louis huffs theatrically. "Can't you just trust me for once without bugging me with so many questions?"

"Fine," she groans, throwing her hands up in defeat. "You're such an asshole, Louis Tomlinson."

Louis rolls his eyes. "Can we go home now?"

"If you insist, Your Highness," she sighs sarcastically. "But don't think the topic is dropped just like that. Your sleeping on the couch tonight."

With that being said, she whips around on her heels and starts stomping in the direction of their flat, Louis following after with his hands buried deeply inside of the pockets of his jeans.

In this night, Louis can't sleep, and this is not only because of his uncomfortable sofa serving as a mattress. He's lying completely still, staring up at the ceiling with his mind racing. He actually thinks that he's having a silent panic attack. Cold sweat is running down his temples and the sides of his neck, his hands feel shaky as he digs his fingers deep down into the duvet.

He kind of has the urge to scream but his lungs are not even capable of getting enough oxygen in his system, let alone making a sound. His life seems to be like a carefully constructed house of cards that has been built on unstable ground and is now about to collapse. Never would he have expected that a mistake of his youth would still have impact on his current life. He has no idea how he could let this happen.

Considered rationally, the only reason why it has become a problem is that Louis himself has no clue how to deal with it, something he should've figured out after so much time. If he were a wiser and stronger man, he would accept this part of his past as what it is and carry on. He wouldn't be embarrassed or even scared to death if it came out. Everyone always says that, as teenagers, you're allowed and even supposed to experiment, to try out, to take risks in order to figure out who you are.

The easiest thing would be to say that this was exactly what Louis did, nothing more. Unfortunately, people have given him the feeling right from the start that this was not who he is supposed to be and soon enough he came to the conclusion that they were correct. There are a few lucky souls in this world that can be whoever they want to be, without having to fear being judged or at least don't have to fear the consequences. He, Louis Tomlinson, is none of them.

He had to feel the consequences of his selfish behaviour nearly immediately after it started. In the beginning he thought that he could deal with it, that he wouldn't give a shit, that he simply wouldn't listen. But he's not like that. He can't shut the rest of the world out and focus on what he wants.

He chose the safe path. He decided that he would be somebody that wouldn't have to expect other people to look strangely at him. Somebody that wouldn't have to fear his family and friends to turn away from him. The only risk he was willing to take in his life was to become an actor, although people told him again that this was nothing for him. This was the only thing where he stayed insistent. Turns out they were right once again; his career prospects are more than lousy. This is the only defeat he won't admit.

Apart from that, his life has always been quite passable. Some self-caused heartbreak from his teens is relatively unimportant against what he has achieved afterwards: he had a great time at university, he is able to finance his life, he has a nice flat in the heart of London, he has a beautiful girlfriend.

When his thoughts linger at this point, it is the only thing that doesn't give him this subtle feeling of pride and satisfaction like the others. For a short moment he allows himself to think the impossible – the scenario he has tried to ban from his mind for the past weeks.

What if his life, his house of cards, is supposed to break down? What if the ground he built it on, the ground where he buried this special part of himself, was never meant to carry it? What if it means something that all these things are coming to the surface recently? What if he should leave room for doubt about his current life? What if the constant feeling of discontent that accompanies him every day has a deeper source than his negative attitude? What if he should admit that the relationship with Jane has reached a point where it would be better for both to call it quits?

But of course, all of this is bullshit. He is the one having a problem with himself. He shouldn't act like some pubescent teenager in an identity crisis. He should appreciate what he has. He is lucky enough to have someone like Jane in his life. It would be idiotic to give up on her, on what they have. He loves her and he knows that she loves him too. It is perfectly normal that couples struggle sometimes, he tells himself. There are ups and downs. People give up way to easily nowadays instead of fixing their problems. Seeing each other so rarely makes everything even more difficult. Still absolutely understandable.

But what if...? No.

So it comes that Louis spends the rest of the night debating in his head about possibilities and certainties, safety and risk. He doesn't know when he finally fell asleep but what he knows for sure that something in his life has to change. Concerning what it is, he tends strongly to trusting his mind while he can clearly feel that his heart is trying to indicate another direction.